Especially the section on living conditions, it’s unclear what exactly to discuss and how to discuss it.
Regarding the issue you mentioned about淫乐多, what exactly did you do?
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For example, softcore porn videos that promote male supremacy, some unrealistic math and physics knowledge—like function value approximation, theoretical physics, etc. (but people just skim the surface)—and sometimes they also promote fascism and imperialism through strategy games.
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4.25
First, I feel that my speculative performance is declining, specifically my recent partial assignments have many wrong answers, but this kind of wrong is numerous and unstable; sometimes the mistakes are few, sometimes many. I don’t know how to describe it; then the exams aren’t as good as before, but I’m still at a mid-to-high level. It shows I haven’t completely given up on speculation, still wanting to maintain a petty-bourgeois lifestyle, not aiming to change. As for cheating on homework, I only do it in certain situations, such as when there’s an enormous amount of homework, or when I don’t want to write. For example, on Thursday, that senior in math was like going crazy, assigning five pages of tutoring materials, and they were very hard. Those students in the class who usually do well in math had many questions they didn’t know. In addition, a half paper, a final/ground-breaking problem, and memorized copying of mathematical definitions were assigned… That time I copied my physics homework, and copied two English questions, but I’m still very afraid of copying everything, which shows my petty-bourgeois fear of struggle and avoidance of struggle. Then, living conditions: at school I feel my spiritual world is a bit empty; although most classes are spent in daze, when I’m dazing I don’t know what I’m thinking about, thinking of emptiness, detached from reality. Didn’t I say I wanted to print the Marxist outline? I still haven’t printed it. My home printer is too garbage, it jams or crashes easily, but if so I could go to a shop to print, yet I don’t dare tell my mother because my speculative performance is declining, I’m very afraid, and have no face to speak. At school I also talk with C about some things, such as family situations, but the theoretical discussions are still fairly few, because our two spiritual worlds are both very empty, with too much debauchery and too little study, leading to this. With his consent, I’ll share some of his family situation: his parents are not on good terms, they are divorced. He’s actually with his father, but his mother doesn’t want to give up this tool for making money. About once or twice a week he would go to his mother’s place, and his father is also a beast, a typical reactionary Confucian parent, fascist, male-chauvinist. In fourth grade he and his mother were kicked out by his father, and last year his mother boiled noodles, dropped a noodle on the stove, and his mother started shouting and told C to choose between his father and his mother, which is unbelievable. In the end under various circumstances his parents divorced, but his father basically doesn’t care about him, and when he is with his father, he can use his grandmother’s phone and browser. I asked him if he could use this to access the forum; he said yes. I asked him to write a self-introduction, but now another problem comes to mind: what if his grandmother sees this content? That’s something worth thinking about. Let him wait a bit first. Also his mother strengthened fascist dictatorship, confiscated his phone because his speculative performance declined, and he often has video calls with classmates. Then after I return home, studying is also scarce, mainly looking at things that are detached from reality, things useless for revolution, which is due to me living as an exploitative class because I have lived a parasitic life for a long time, making me not think about practical problems, only standing on a high platform saying pretty words, but in practice it’s nothing, then I go back to doing homework (returning to what was above). Then there’s masturbation; this week I didn’t do it, but there are always erotic words in my mind, because my mind still contains a large amount of residual pornographic thoughts, and I don’t struggle against these wrong ideas, just suppress them: but this cannot solve any real problems, this will surely recur sooner or later.
Then I remember one incident, during Thursday’s history evening self-study, the person next to me, the same petty-bourgeois democratic faction I mentioned before, we’ll call him Y, and his deskmate were discussing the merits of the credit system; his deskmate thought the credit system was good. Y argued with her: “People with high credits can get rewards, people with low credits are punished, why is that?” I think this is a naive equality of idea, but this equality is rather hazy and unclear. I think if he is guided, he can walk onto the right path. But then he said: “People with high credits can get rewards, but why should people with low credits be punished?” That first half is wrong, and it also reveals the limitations of petty-bourgeois reformism; the credit system from start to finish is reactionary. Why should those with high credits get rewards—are rewards to be thieves? If one wants to completely criticize the credit system, one must abandon the petty-bourgeois stance and criticize the entire capitalist education system from a proletarian perspective, pointing out that this damn credit system is meant to divide and oppress students as a fascist dictatorship.
Remember that beast, Senior Nine in Math again? He said many reactionary things again, including something about Aryan high national identity (not stated directly, I don’t recall the exact words; it seemed to say something like a student with good speculative grades is Aryan, or some high-national identity), though not stated directly, it indirectly exposed how reactionary his thoughts are, a thorough fascist. He is not even a little pink. Our fascist homeroom teacher is also a little pink; at least he would pretend and say joining the Red Guards is to become a socialist successor. But Senior Nine in Math uses the most shameless, most reactionary, most nauseating language to praise fascism and slander socialism. Besides, this person is extremely hypocritical; just after cursing someone, he grins at the class monitor and says she is still so cute, which is really disgusting!
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5.2
This week the school held midterm exams.
What is the proper approach before a test? Of course not to study at all; studying wastes a lot of time, and the time spent studying could be used to read many books. But because I still harbor opportunistic thoughts and want to leave a way out for myself, plus my petite-bourgeois, weak, and compromising nature, I didn’t dare to fight the Confucian-mother, and finally I went to study. I memorized that, what was it, the Daoist and legalist history? I was disgusted while memorizing, there were too many things, and it was very reactionary, endlessly praising the “Zhongxiu” garbage fascist dictatorship system. What is the National People’s Congress? What people is this? There is no workers and peasants as the people, right? “People’s Entrepreneurs” is it? Then just rename it the National Congress of Capitalists!
Then the exam began. Overall, I felt it wasn’t very difficult, which showed that my opportunistic score didn’t drop much. Although in these weeks I mostly didn’t listen to my classes, my foundation remained, and I hadn’t completely given up on opportunism, such as not daring to skip the math instructor Lao Jiu’s class. Lao Jiu is a fascist (not a little pink, just pure fascism—I’ve talked about his stuff before; not going to repeat here). He enforces an extremely cruel dictatorship on students and ruthlessly oppresses the low-scoring ones. Seeing his fierce and powerful appearance, I was scared. Fear and my struggle with him. I kept propagating in my head that the class enemy is strong and invincible. But this is wrong, it’s weak, it’s capitulationism; all reactionaries are paper tigers, how can we fear struggle? I think there are several reasons I’m afraid to fight him: first, I’ve become parasitic for so long that I’m afraid to resist, afraid to lose what I possess (private knowledge, status, etc.), then there’s the opportunistic issue, still wanting to climb onto the people, exploit the people, be a spiritual aristocrat. Also, I’m still the class monitor for this fascist (selected in seventh grade). I used to be a thief of learning; when I saw poorly written or copied assignments, I’d show them to Lao Jiu. It felt like seeing someone suffer and feeling happy about it. This is because my life is extremely reactionary, the life of the exploiting class, which made my tastes very vulgar and reactionary, unswervingly standing opposite the student masses. But since I started using forums, my worldview has gradually been transformed; this thief-like thinking has gradually disappeared, but there are still some remnants, at least from my current position, still the same, because I’m still serving this fascist, helping him fix assignments. There’s a concern, so I naturally don’t dare to break with him or start a fight. So I think now I must resign from this, but the problem is, I’m stuck, I don’t have the courage. What should I do? For now I’m thinking only to change this rotten life and strive to reform myself.
When the exam finished, Lao Jiu asked to check the answers; the English instructor Lao Jiu even said that this time the top high school cutoff score was a few points lower than the perfect score, really defying the heavens. Our class even had several people who didn’t lose points except for the essay. Then we checked math, because I missed one calculation problem, and Confucian-mother started scolding me, using sexual organ profanity, which was extremely low in quality, making me very irate. But due to multiple parasitic reasons, I was too weak to say anything, which shows the necessity of detaching from parasitic life.
Today I went to recheck my height, and there are some things I hadn’t mentioned before. My parents, in the early 20th century, frantically speculated to become dogs for capitalists, eventually achieving class upheaval and becoming bourgeois. Confucian-father earns 25,000 yuan per month, all soaked in workers’ blood. But they obviously are not satisfied with these assets and want to make bigger fortunes through speculation, so they entrusted these to me, pouring money into me, first not questioning me at all, giving me braces, corneal lenses, then seeing that I didn’t grow tall, spent a lot to give me growth hormone. Yet my mother has always asked me to hide this and not speak of it, which shows how treacherous she is. It also indirectly reveals her opportunistic true face; clearly opportunistic and unscrupulous, forcing personal struggle, and then measuring height every day, which annoys me.
Then my pornographic thoughts are still serious, because my mind still harbors a lot of pornographic ideas, which means I might at any moment commit acts that oppress women. Sure enough, whenever I see pornographic content, pornographic thoughts fully revive, and I start masturbating and other acts that oppress women, because I see soft porn and then think many pornographic thoughts, then I masturbate. What was I thinking at that time? I kept covering my ears, making countless excuses for myself, repeatedly emphasizing so-called voluntariness, without analyzing the class essence, or how capitalism could ever allow voluntary oppression. Sometimes I can’t even continue and start to emphasize so-called human nature, fooling myself that it’s just normal desire. But people are not born with desire; all is cultivated by environment. What I think while masturbating translates to people are born to love rape. This is completely wrong and reactionary. I think this is because I live a bourgeois lifestyle, have exploited people for too long, forming a belief that exploitation is justified. If I want to step out of this reactionary viewpoint, I must change my lifestyle.
Then I found that my petty-bourgeois individualism and bureaucratism are still very serious. For example, sometimes I come to the forum and post something, and people are busy or have more important topics and don’t read it; I feel very disappointed, showing my narrow petty-bourgeois individualist worldview, thinking I am the center of this world. This mindset has been with me since I was very young. Confucian-father is fascist’s male chauvinist, Confucian-mother is also a cruel woman, grandmother is even more reactionary. After having two daughters, the cruel grandmother still isn’t satisfied and wants a son; my parents compromised because of this, which led to me, making me think from a young age that I am the center of the world, I am the savior, but actually that’s nothing; I’m a parasite who doesn’t even know basic life truths!
Now? All the focus is on the bourgeois lifestyle, and it’s time to think about changing it.
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That’s scary—the Republic’s Sword can’t keep acting as class monitor and being a dog for Lao Jiu.
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C is also the class monitor; how about I resign with him?
Just retire already, say there’s too much to deal with, don’t want to deal with people, and nothing bad will happen to Lao Jiu anyway.
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Did the Sword of the Republic not take a holiday recently?
I’m on vacation, but since the school term started and things slowed down, I’ve gradually become lazy and don’t really feel like returning to my original pace.
If we keep being carefree, trouble will come. Is the Sword of the Republic not planning to participate in the association’s publicity activities?
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Ah, if I promote it before the worldview has been transformed, wouldn’t it all be wrong?
Transforming the objective world while also transforming the subjective world; revolutions don’t wait for anyone.
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What are the requirements for joining (for example, what records or reports need to be written)?
You can ask at People’s Square
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