I am an only child. Before I went to kindergarten, my Granny and Grandpa came to my home to take care of me with my parents. At the same time, because my parents valued my education, I showed some “traits” from a very young age. For example, I could recognize many characters very early. Therefore, whether my parents or teachers, they all said I was a “little prodigy.” In this kind of practice, I gradually formed a self-centered personality. For instance, when I was little, I would always run to the kitchen and turn on the tap; after Granny came, she would turn off the tap. Then I would run over again and turn the tap on. My parents did not teach me not to waste water or not to let Granny be busy because I found it “fun.” Instead they said, “If left alone, he will naturally settle down.” Such things fueled my arrogance and gradually transformed my self-centered mindset into a self-centered way of thinking.
At that time, I had not yet developed sexual thoughts. I had a childhood friend, a girl. When I played with her, I did not feel there was a problem. I also did not think gender caused any trouble. However, as I gradually developed a self-centered mindset, the germ of sexual ideas also began to grow. For example, in kindergarten, a young female teacher wore a pair of black jeans. It left me a deep impression.
In the first grade of elementary school, I began watching anti-Japanese war television dramas. Under the influence of this practice, I started to imitate scenes from the dramas. Sometimes I imitated Chinese soldiers, sometimes I imitated the “devils.” But I imitated the latter more because I did not realize its reactionary nature, and the devils appeared in the dramas as a ridiculous image. Because of this imitation, I began to bow my back and hunch my shoulders, and I still have not corrected it to this day. However, a deeper influence is that dirty, obscene thoughts began to take root.
In elementary school, because I did well in class, I was praised by teachers and parents more. My self-centered thinking further developed into a grandiose ego. In second grade, I was exposed to poetry as a literary form. I thought I was also a “great poet.” To surpass all poets from ancient and modern times, I wrote many poems. Because I did not do manual labor and lacked life and production experience, these poems were hollow and tasteless, devoid of emotion. It was such stuff that subconsciously matched the needs of my parents and older brother’s opportunistic tendencies, so it received great praise. Thus this mindset not only became openly exposed but also received further consolidation.
Accompanying the grandiose ego was a hierarchical mindset. In the second grade, I was supposed to tie red scarves for first-grade classmates. I originally planned to tie one for a classmate, but someone else took it first. Lacking fighting spirit, I cried. The teacher criticized the unruly classmate and also praised my opportunistic academics. In my view, the teacher was defending me because my grades were good. This incident became a fuse for my erroneous thinking: the higher the opportunism, the higher the status; the worse the opportunism, the lower the status. Due to face, this discriminatory thinking had not yet been exposed outright.
Family and kin-based inheritance are tools that protect private property. The school’s creation is to reduce the cost of large-scale industrial production. At the same time, due to the revival of capitalism in China, the corrupt and reactionary capitalist ideas spread throughout society. This kind of culture, projected onto my practice, made me form a hierarchical ideology of oppressing and exploiting people. And this ideology did not reveal itself because my parents told me to “be rational” and “be polite.” Essentially, it was the bourgeois self-interest and the harmonious social life, that is, the so-called “face.”
Finally, in the third grade, a small incident completely triggered my sexual thoughts. At that time, every Friday night I watched a reality show, “Running Man” (Running Man). Watching the female stars there put on makeup and be lewd, my hierarchical thinking rapidly transitioned toward male chauvinist thoughts that objectified women. After this thought formation, because I wore tight pants during basketball class, I learned masturbation and became extremely obsessed with tight pants. This marked the maturation of my pornographic thoughts. In third grade, I was no longer as involved with girls as before. This can also indirectly corroborate this point.
In fourth grade, I encountered the works of the ruffian writer Cao Wenxuan. The so-called “sincere feelings between young people” praised by the literary world are actually naked oppression of women by a male-dominated society. By the way, there is also a large amount of content that viciously slanders, muddies the People’s Communes movement, the Cultural Revolution, and revolutionary cadres without any bottom line. However, because my sexual thoughts had already matured, I not only failed to see the hooligan nature of his works clearly, but even thought his works were quite good, and I read many of them. This further strengthened my pornographic thoughts.
Here, I also want to say something about my view of history. In the third grade, I came into contact with the historically ideological book “Five Thousand Years of History” that promotes idealism. Because it catered to my hierarchical thinking, I loved reading this book. The hierarchical thinking reflected in history is the contempt for the laboring people’s idealist historiography. Therefore, from then on, I also hoped to become a “great hero standing tall.” This kind of so-called hero is actually a parasite who oppresses the people and creates exploitation.
Along with the maturation of pornographic thoughts, the more explicit discriminatory attitudes also matured. In fifth grade, I really wanted to know what the relationship between opportunism and ancestral origin was, so I asked several classmates where their ancestral homes were. This matter ended unresolved. But it can be seen from one side that the discriminatory thoughts were being reinforced.
As pornographic thoughts and discriminatory thoughts spread, my view of history became more distorted. In sixth grade, I once admired He Shijun’s haircut and worshiped him ever since. Especially his crazy opportunistic experiences resonated with my own opportunistic experiences.
Why do I believe the propaganda of the Mid-Left and treat the executioner who killed many people as the “great military功功功” of the “Four Great Ministers of the Restoration”? It is because pornographic thoughts and idealist historiography are inextricably linked, and looking at history through the lens of idealist historiography is certainly problematic. Pornographic thoughts are inseparable from history and worldview. A history and worldview that contain pornographic thoughts cannot be revolutionary; they are reactionary.
