Let me talk about my fascist patriarchal thoughts.
I probably started masturbating around the first year of middle school. The reason was that my dad, a fascist, bought a women’s pornographic photo book disguised as biological research and kept it at home. Out of curiosity, I started looking at it and accidentally learned how to masturbate. Later at school, my peers were a bunch of lecherous boys, always talking nonsense, with rotten pornographic thoughts in their minds (I have to say, I’m not much different from them now, very damn reactionary). In class, to satisfy my desire to masturbate (I couldn’t satisfy myself with just a few pictures), I hung out with them. Over time, I learned to talk nonsense all the time, telling endless dirty jokes and vulgar, filthy jokes at school every day, and even got access to some porn websites and VPNs. These guys were a bunch of hopeless reactionaries, and I was the same at the time: first, full of swear words, at least two “damns” in every sentence, unable to speak without cursing; second, all opportunistic about academics, acting as lackeys of the top students, oppressing other classmates by relying on good grades; third, full of dirty jokes; fourth, addicted to watching porn and masturbating, and even competing over who was more “perverted.” The first pornographic works I loved were those promoting “women dependent on men, serving as household slaves,” the fascist male chauvinist kind. Because of competing over who was more perverted, I watched more and more extreme stuff. Essentially, it was all reactionary fascist male chauvinism, exaggerating women’s sexual characteristics, shaping them with a pale, thin, young aesthetic, defaming them as men’s “slaves,” but the oppression of women became increasingly perverted. My thoughts also became more perverted, fantasizing at school all day, fantasizing about female classmates, strangers, and fantasizing with other lecherous boys, then developing thoughts of seduction.
Then I targeted a girl in our class who was severely oppressed, exploited by fascist parents and the “stinky top student” at school and at home. I was thinking about her day and night, scratching my heart and clawing my liver trying to seduce her. To do this, I started searching online day and night for seduction tutorials from those despicable male leaders. Based on her oppression and addiction to anime, games, and spiritual opium, I tried to shape myself accordingly. I remember Fenghuo said in the reading club that in capitalist society, the better you dress yourself, the more seductive you are. This was proven true in my case. Below are the reactionary schemes I used to seduce, listed here for criticism.
- I started to lose weight, becoming very skinny, like skin and bones, just like the new popular online method of seduction by despicable men, dressing like a “trap” and making myself very thin.
- I started wearing clothes that made me look slim and weak (actually, I was never weak, always quite sturdy, but I pretended to be weak to seduce), like wearing long sleeves that cover half of my hands, light-colored clothes, looking sickly. To seduce, I even made myself look like I had some terminal illness, which was extremely reactionary.
- I started openly indulging in anime and games. I was already addicted to this spiritual opium, but I deliberately showed it off.
- I deliberately opposed the “stinky top students,” pretending to be a victim, eventually successfully disguising myself as “an anime addict persecuted by the top students,” then cruelly told that girl I was a victim.
Then I successfully attracted attention. At that time, I was addicted to masturbation, hanging out with lecherous boys all day. To seduce, I made myself seem “aloof” and deliberately distanced myself temporarily from those lecherous boys, though they probably knew what I wanted because they also wanted to seduce and cooperated. Plus, I acted like a good guy, doing things like sharing an umbrella in the rain (a worn-out seduction trick by despicable men), teaching math problems, and so on, which led to an ambiguous relationship.
Then my true nature was exposed: those extremely perverted behaviors I mentioned before. The ambiguous relationship included “flirting during breaks,” “holding hands during class while chatting,” or “talking about math problems while leaning on each other,” and even more extreme, I actively talked to her about dirty, low-level sexual content. Although I wrote this article partly to create a shield for myself, I did expose the reactionary things I did. While writing, I even felt I was so awesome, but actually, I was a beast, a damn beast.
Later, as I said, when it was about to develop to the stage of sleeping together, I transferred schools. I failed to seduce her, and after failing, I started to indulge in watching porn and masturbating again, getting more and more perverted, watching those anti-human abuse types. My thoughts became more reactionary, and I became one of those despicable male leaders who spew nonsense and insults in the Sun Bar. Then I entered the leftist circle and later the forum.
When I came to the forum, until I said “women are all ***,” I was a beast who openly masturbated every day. After being criticized that time, I quickly apologized and realized I needed a shield and started building a defense line. Specifically, after returning to the forum, I posted a self-criticism, but only mentioned what I had done, not how to change, seeming like bragging. Then I saw that the anti-human works gradually turned into pornographic works disguised as pure love but insulting women, because I thought those things were easier to fool people once exposed, so I did that. Then I shamelessly disguised myself as a person seriously reflecting on my mistakes, but actually still watching porn and masturbating every day. Around issue 51, according to the ideological struggle guide, I entered a peak of fanaticism, due to the reading of the Yan’an Forum speech, then pretended to reflect on masturbation but never really struggled ideologically, just for face.
After that, I joined ***. At first, I was at a peak of fanaticism, so I didn’t watch porn or masturbate, and even debated with the leftist circle. But after about a week, as my ideological struggle content got shorter, I entered a trough, because I never really struggled ideologically and my thoughts degenerated again. Then I stopped discussing ideological issues daily, criticized others using Marxist terms, but kept watching porn, mingled with other reactionary second-generation rich kids at school, and pretended to reflect, making a self-criticism about my seduction experience as a shield. And now, my mistakes have been exposed.
