Last Saturday and Sunday, I worked part-time for two days, doing different jobs. On Saturday, I worked for six hours at a claw machine shop, earning 90 yuan. The work was quite easy, with nothing much to do. The full-time employee working with me was quite enthusiastic and kept initiating conversations, but also somewhat annoying. He was probably about my age, having finished vocational school and then started working. He also told me that you can’t really learn much at these schools; he would sleep during classes. I replied that at our school, most students basically play games all day from morning till night. Then he asked what games I played and said we probably prefer computer games. I jokingly said, “I play everything, mobile and computer games alike,” although we didn’t go into detail about which games.
Then he asked if I was in a relationship and said that if I was bored, I should find a girlfriend and date. At this point, my toxic male mindset kicked in, and I told him, “Forget it, I can’t find one, so I’ll stay single.” Although I said this to brush him off, it actually revealed my underlying desire to oppress women. Then he went on to say some reactionary things about how to pick up women in video games, trying to teach me how to flirt. I thought it was a bit ridiculous but just said “ridiculous” in a joking tone to dismiss it. Later, he mentioned that if I came back to work part-time, there might be another female employee there. He said very crudely that this girl was only eighteen, implying I could be alone with her, and I said nothing to point out how wrong his thoughts were. I even had some similar thoughts myself.
This experience shows that I am still quite numb and unable to distinguish right from wrong. Under the reactionary Confucian fascist rule in China, women are in a very dark situation. I have learned this not only from women I know but also from the endless news about women being stalked, molested, raped, and abused at home. A few days ago, there was a “Shanghai subway molester” case, and the public focus was on the “Datong rape case.” Even just the day before yesterday and today, I saw news about women being stalked and molested. Due to China’s censorship and the poison of Confucian ideology, many more cases remain unexposed. I have also discussed these topics with some bourgeois classmates, talking about some pornographic games and cases of women trafficking. I even talked with someone who initially thought the woman in the Datong case was a scammer; he used this to attack various “feminist” groups online. I persuaded him with arguments from forums that the man in the Datong case was indeed a rapist and told him that nowadays, “male chauvinism” in China is much worse than “female chauvinism.” On some forums, people even dare to offer offline bounties to attack women. However, I only spoke superficially about these obvious, publicly condemned cases of oppression against women. I subconsciously avoided mentioning pornographic films and other erotic art when discussing these issues. This is actually me leaving myself a safe space; someone who wants to watch porn and masturbate cannot truly care about women’s liberation. So when I talk about these issues, I lack conviction. Only a thorough theory can truly convince people, but if I claim to oppose women’s oppression while watching porn and wanting to toy with women’s feelings, how can I truly oppose the Confucian capitalist oppression of women in China? I didn’t refute my colleague’s crude remarks earlier because I don’t truly hate such remarks myself; I am also a toxic male, so I got along well with him.
This morning, I read the article “Serving the US Military” and thought about my second part-time job, working as a waiter in a barbecue restaurant. This job was much more intense, working ten hours straight with only a one-hour break. The restaurant is in the busiest mall in the city, and business is booming. During the ten hours, except for the break, I couldn’t stop for a moment—constantly serving dishes and utensils, and having to smile and ask customers, “Hello, is there anything I can help you with?” The customers appeared to be bourgeois or wealthy petite bourgeoisie, all dressed up and very “exquisite.” But while I was busy serving tea and water, watching them leisurely play on their phones and chat, then leaving a mess for me to clean up after eating, I developed no good feelings toward them. Seeing those “exquisitely” and “revealingly” dressed women didn’t arouse any sexual thoughts, just impatience and even some annoyance. I actually found the older women working with me more approachable. This experience deeply made me realize that bourgeois aesthetics are detached from labor and the aesthetics of the exploiting class.
