I have been living in a daze with a strange mindset of trading academic pursuits for a parasitic life. The prosperous life of effortless gain has killed my fighting spirit and ideals. When facing future choices of major and economic independence, honestly, I feel confused and panicked.
Now, because my family has a bourgeois surface democracy, the patriarchal oppression on me has become very small (I guess because my grandfather’s inheritance is enough for my wealthy parents to continue splurging, so there’s no need to continue oppressing to provoke my rebellion). My parents have said they will no longer interfere in my life after university. This was something I never dared to imagine before. But currently, I always feel something is wrong in their so-called advice (for example, they think Lao Jiu is helpless because he is oppressed by a dog leader at work and vents his frustration on students, telling me to endure; or yesterday, Lao Jiu, to cope with upper management tasks, chose me as a Communist Youth League member, and they even helped me write the application letter, saying since they already did it, I might as well accept it. I thought, whatever, it doesn’t matter to me, and I used the time to skip classes, so I accepted it), always trying to push personalist black stuff that promotes self-preservation. Although I can refuse, I feel a bit awkward. Maybe, as the swamp soldier said, my common interests with them have become bigger, but I can’t see it, and I don’t know how to prepare to get rid of it or how to go forward, so I feel quite troubled.
I’m not quite sure what the specific situation is or what your family situation is.
The oppression of the patriarchal system has not become smaller; it’s just that as you grow up and become independent, and in terms of inheritance, their interests align with yours, so they want to control your heart with superficial “democracy” and “family affection.” It only appears to be smaller; if you say you want to become independent from the family and be a proletarian, and that you will not marry or have children in the future, they will definitely continue to suppress you.
Regarding your question, you can be more specific.
Want to know how far you’ve gone with your academic pursuits? As for your strange mindset, it can actually be understood. Using “exchange” as the connection between “pursuing academic pursuits” and “parasitic life” seems to imply that the interests behind both are in conflict, but that’s not the case. Parasitic life is simply a desire to maintain a life of pleasure and avoid labor for personal gain. In academic institutions filled with reactionary ideas like “improve one point, eliminate a thousand people” and “study well to become an official,” advancing in academic pursuits often brings praise from the old nine and parents, as well as envy or jealousy from classmates. These can lead to a constant swelling of petty bourgeois vanity. Ultimately, both parasitic life and the practice of pursuing academic pursuits tend to reinforce individualism. However, it cannot be denied that some disciplines do provide useful knowledge. If there are no personal speculative motives or if they are not the main focus, then it often depends on the struggle between students, parents, and academic institutions. So, on the surface, parents propose the “exchange” condition, but in reality, it is a compromise to continue parasitism. However, one will find that doing well in studies is never as easy as it seems; under the oppression of academic institutions, mutual scheming and competition among students objectively create difficulties in achieving this goal.
You can talk more about your personal situation; being a member of the Communist Youth League is indeed insignificant to me.
Actually, you also know that your main connection with your family is a naked financial relationship. They want you to gamble on your studies to inherit the family business, so that their investment pays off. You want them to maintain your parasitic life as a fairy, and also to ensure a comfortable material life in the future. I think the most important thing about breaking away from the family is your own thoughts, your attitude towards your family, and the path you plan to take. For example, regarding studies, I saw you mentioned before that you rely on a diploma to cope with your family so they won’t feel embarrassed. But this is also in your own interest. If you can reach an agreement with your family on academic issues, doesn’t that mean you share common interests with them in this regard?
My family situation has undergone some significant changes, which are a bit complicated, and I am a bit confused right now. I have written two drafts, but I cleared them both after not writing much. I will send it later.
How is it going now
Half of the third edition has been written, and a more complete fourth edition has been conceived…
I think you shouldn’t be afraid of writing something poorly. If it’s not perfect, you can release it first for everyone to see, gather feedback, and help you improve it.
Yes, don’t worry if you don’t write well; just write it out for everyone to discuss. Even if there are mistakes, it’s better than working alone in silence.
(Although this article is the best version I have written so far, its awkwardness is like that of a primary school student, and its chaotic logic still cannot prevent me from viewing it as trash. I hope everyone can be more tolerant and also teach me how to write a decent article.
The pessimism at the end is also a side of me because I am always taking risks and hitting walls, lacking ability, and unable to find a way to immediately escape reality. After some thought, I still decided to write it because it is a problem that cannot be ignored or continued to be avoided.
The reason why this article has been revised several times is partly because I am afraid of being accused of being a hypocrite, and partly because I am deeply poisoned by Confucian ideas. Some things have become habitual, and I often find parts that don’t make sense through my own memories and reflections, adding supplementary thoughts, to the point that I myself can’t understand what I’ve written. Another reason is my recent indulgence in pleasures, and the high pressure of academic studies has greatly reduced my ability to write.
My family includes my parents, grandparents, and my sister, living together, while my grandfather and grandmother do not live with us. According to my parents, they do not rely on my grandfather, but in reality, the relationship is not distant. When my father finished graduate exams and wanted to work in Shanghai, my monopolistic capitalist grandfather used a large sum of money to keep him in our hometown to engage in construction (by the way, since our local area was one of the first coastal open cities, capitalist competition was rampant, and the idea of excelling academically to become an official was very strong. Plus, he was very good at speculation and often praised by teachers and parents, so he attached great importance to education). Both of my parents are officials. When my grandfather was alive, they were at their fastest and most stable career ascent (this is evidenced by the fact that after my grandfather became a vegetable, their positions were strangely downgraded for reasons I don’t understand; my father told me that my mother’s previous position as deputy director of the judicial bureau was also thanks to my grandfather). Economically, although they claim to be self-reliant, their combined annual income is over a hundred thousand yuan, but this is based on heavy taxes and levies, which is nonsense. Moreover, my grandfather also gave them several properties to rent out and live off (he even sold two to cover astronomical medical bills). They invested this money in financial products to keep increasing their wealth to satisfy their extravagant and luxurious nature (my father likes to buy coffee beans worth hundreds of yuan per can, and my mother buys several sets of clothes worth hundreds or thousands each year).
Due to busy work and my weak health, I was mainly cared for by elders and relatives before elementary school. Besides ensuring a comfortable parasitic life, they often told me stories about how powerful and wealthy my parents, grandfather, or other relatives were—exploiting hierarchy, getting benefits without effort, excelling academically to become officials, family harmony, filial piety, and other Confucian and bourgeois ideas—laying the foundation for my extreme obedience to family and servitude to others. Since elementary school, I have lived with my parents, grandparents, and my sister, who was born in second grade.
Back to the main topic, my father, due to his outstanding life experience, often held high expectations for me when I was in elementary school, demanding very high academic standards. If I did not perform well, he would scold, yell, or even slap me. When I did well, he would take me out to play or buy toys, encouraging me to use these achievements to gain privileges. I was often tortured by his unreasonable goals, and I feared him greatly. In daily life, although I had my own phone and pocket money early on, the former was often kept by him as a backup (I can still receive calls from his colleagues), and the latter was limited, barely enough to buy anything. I rarely went out and just managed to get by. So, even though I feared and hated my father, I often endured it for small benefits and even forgot the pain, fantasizing about him again. These extreme measures caused dissatisfaction from my mother and grandfather.
My mother, having been left with relatives to care for her due to her parents’ frequent business trips during childhood, experienced poor treatment—some relatives even ate her leftovers, and a large part of her maintenance fees were embezzled. Despite this, she was still a bourgeois daughter and couldn’t compare to the workers suffering from layoffs at that time. She sympathized with my unjustified scolding and advocated gentle education methods, which mainly involved relaxing my luxury consumption limits, hiring tutors familiar with my personal situation, spending money on honors, and spending more on chatting to strengthen family bonds. These were obviously more sophisticated than my father’s rough methods. She also encouraged me to express my feelings when scolded and even argued with my father about education issues, at least giving me an abstract understanding that resistance was an option. However, this was based on improving my academic competitiveness, as she often discussed or argued with my father about which teachers or institutions to tutor at, spending a lot of money. Her influence was also negative because I relied on their minor disagreements to let my mother speak for me, gaining some freedom to avoid my father’s anger. Resistance required dependence on another oppressor, which deepened my parasitic mindset, and I gradually adopted bourgeois theories like human nature and Confucian ideas (especially after Xi Jinping’s promotion of Confucian classics and respect for Confucius, I was assigned to teach the “Rules of Conduct” during morning reading classes, which included texts like “Three Character Classic” and “Analects,” influencing me negatively. I remember in middle school, when my academic progress was difficult, I would hold my head and grit my teeth, reciting “Only the highest wisdom and the lowest foolishness are unchangeable,” and now I think of this terrifying scene whenever I read the classics in Chinese class). The idea of order and respect for teachers, when put into action, meant flattering my grandfather, enduring my father’s unreasonable demands (by the way, after I got my phone, I quickly used it as an e-cigarette gun, playing games daily. My father didn’t oppose gaming but required me to finish all homework, including those from miscellaneous cram schools, and maintain good grades. This was impossible, so I stole my phone to play, always finding ways to hide it and restore the scene before he returned. This way, I was less often scolded, and even if caught, it was not a big deal. Later, because I ran out of hiding places, he took my phone to his office, but I secretly went to my grandfather’s room at night to watch Japanese anime on his phone. During this process, I developed a rebellious streak, liked to tease others, secretly steal things, and watch others panic when they couldn’t find their belongings. But because I was often scolded, I was timid and would return everything and apologize when the other person was about to get angry. I also became obsessed with “two-dimensional” (anime) culture to pass time and escape the high-pressure environment. Many of these contents were violent, bloody, and sometimes lewd, which quickly led me to absorb vulgar content. The violence and bloody scenes fostered an extreme personalist view of revenge, imagining beating those who held long-term hostility towards me, though I only dared to think about it. In reality, my first reaction to such people was to stay far away to avoid ridicule and scolding. These behaviors deepened my extreme individualism, making me a person without principles, foresight, or courage. Although I sometimes pretended to care about others under their influence, I only observed others’ misfortunes through their words, unable to offer effective advice (for example, I once chatted on QQ and heard a girl complain about being harassed and flirted with by a long-lost friend at school, which made her very upset. She had some romantic fantasies about him, and they were quite close, sharing diaries, but when he invited her to meet at the school gate, he confessed he just wanted to keep the relationship at an abstract level. She told me these details because she saw me in her diary. All I could do was advise her to cut ties with him early, and I didn’t communicate with her much after that).
In middle school, the surge in academic pressure, crazy routines, and tense competition made my flattery and frantic tutoring useless. The paradise I once knew was gone, and I became more depressed. I was used to scolding, and my father’s most common weapon failed. Seeing my indifference, after beating and scolding me, he would smile again an hour later. He once cried and drove to my grandmother’s house to complain, which was funny but also showed that my numbness had worried my parents. Due to the harsh reality, I developed some liberal ideas, sometimes arguing with the arrogant “Old Nine” in class, refusing to attend cram schools, and contemptuously rejecting my father’s accusations and confiscations (once I was caught playing games on the computer, and they scolded me. I blurted out that I might as well be a rogue, and I cried, saying that if I said that again, they would make me kneel before my deceased grandfather’s photo. Afraid, I had to go back to my room and do homework). I secretly bought a laptop with my New Year’s money without telling my parents (costing 8,000 yuan, with average performance, mainly to secretly play Genshin Impact—now deleted, but I still can’t change my lazy and parasitic nature, so I haven’t fully quit gaming. I now have a Monster Hunter on my computer). But it was just a form of rebellion, as I worried I would lose even this tiny parasitic freedom.
Grandfather’s death, the downturn of the construction industry, decline in status, my rebellion, my sister’s depression… all pushed my father to use the means he had to maintain his most reliable social connections to make a comeback. He also studied bourgeois education, controlled his temper, and gradually communicated with his children (to be honest, his pretenses couldn’t hide his arrogance. He attributed my sister’s depression to her being as insightful as himself, seeing through society. The evidence was her saying: a pushed b down, and everyone would blame a, but b also had a problem because he could choose a less painful way to fall, but no one blamed him. This sentence was too abstract for me to understand or respond to). He also supported some of my requests, like going home early. But in terms of academic effort, he exhausted all channels and efforts to gain the reputation he once looked down upon to reduce my burden. At least in the college entrance exam, his efforts made me feel like I was still being manipulated by invisible strings. This time, my mother and he stood together, and I had no one to rely on. Being spoiled and oppressed since childhood, my common sense and self-care ability are very low. I can’t stand the darkness of society and feel like a social waste.
My schedule is too irregular, nearly three-quarters of the morning is spent napping. I usually write in the afternoon and evening.
No problem. When writing articles, there are two aspects to consider: one is ideological consciousness, and the other is writing ability. Among them, the core is ideological consciousness. If the route is crooked, then the greater the ability, the greater the harm. When writing an article, you need to think clearly about its purpose, how to express yourself better and more appropriately. What impact will it have after being written? Everyone’s ability is cultivated through practice, so there’s no need to worry too much. If there are parts you don’t understand, everyone will ask again. I have some Chinese language textbooks from the Cultural Revolution period; if you need to learn Chinese, I can send them to you.
In such situations, they will definitely use so-called nurturing and medical expenses to hijack you, making you obedient to Confucian order. Your father’s so-called “outstanding life resume” is nothing more than built on rich educational resources and bourgeois family assets. Ultimately, it is based on Confucian bloodline inheritance and bourgeois law—built on cannibalism.
Your mother’s “gentleness” is just a modified form of “gentleness.” She will “choose tutors who understand personal circumstances,” “spend money to buy honor,” and other opportunistic tools, but she will never allow you to resist the Confucian family and capitalist system. Because as a parent, she is already a vested interest. She may have different opinions from your father on how to act, but in the fundamental core interests, they are aligned—they both want you to inherit the family and be an opportunist tool. Her resistance to your father’s educational methods is just some internal contradictions. If you say you want independence, freedom, equality, and to be a worker, they will use all means to oppose you. Moreover, your parents playing the red and white face (good cop/bad cop) situation is even more conducive to controlling you.
I want to ask, what games do you play? What do you like about them? And what genre are the Japanese anime?
Regarding games, I initially followed the trend and played Honor of Kings, Identity V, and similar games, but I stopped because I was often mocked for poor skills. Later, to pass the time, I played rhythm games, Sky Rolling, and free mini-games like Plants vs. Zombies, which was heavily criticized by the association. Since my phone was always being taken away at that time, I played these games less and felt increasingly empty spiritually, and soon those games could no longer satisfy me.
Later, I discovered many game videos on Bilibili and became more eager to continue playing. Under the encouragement of my friends and the stimulation of my increasingly strong sexual thoughts, I secretly bought a computer and started playing Genshin Impact. Initially, it was because of my lust, enjoying hero saving beauty, but then I discovered the “Peach Blossom Spring” in the game and became addicted (during this period, I clearly felt my sexual thoughts intensify significantly). However, because the game had a very bad reputation, was very unendurable, and took up a lot of memory, I quit and sold the account for 300 yuan.
Since my addiction was too strong, I later bought a Switch, played The Legend of Zelda, and after clearing it, I still wasn’t satisfied, so I bought a Monster Hunter Rise cartridge. I was deeply immersed in the pleasure of constantly practicing and gearing up to conquer monsters in the game. After senior year, I had less and less time, and during that period, I decided to reform my entertainment and not indulge anymore, so I sold my game console and cartridges, earning 1300 yuan (later, due to overeating and overindulgence, I was left with only over 200 yuan…).
My resolve quickly failed due to my wavering. In fact, I didn’t find many revolutionary movies, and I couldn’t sing many revolutionary songs, so I returned to gaming. I bought Monster Hunter World on my computer and continued to seek small achievements to alleviate my frustration with reality.
As for Japanese anime, I no longer watch them because the worldview they convey no longer helps me resist reality. However, their sickly aesthetic of white, slender, and sickly looks bothers me so much that I resorted to a kind of poison to fight poison—forcing myself to watch bourgeois fitness videos, but I found it useless. Those muscles built through injections and gym workouts are really disgusting. During this process, I even became interested in the Warhammer series, which I consider the most reactionary artistic work I’ve ever seen in both content and form. I have now quit because it is too anti-human, and calling it the embodiment of all reactionary ideas in human history is not an exaggeration.
Do you remember the argument I mentioned earlier in free chat? The cause was my mom asking me about the low participation rate of employees in the free health check organized by the local government. I replied that I wasn’t one of them and couldn’t answer. Later, I heard her opening the cabinet where I kept my books, and I immediately argued with her. It only ended after my dad mediated, and I made a blank check that I wouldn’t look at or touch these books to keep them.
In fact, my parents have a strong class consciousness. Previously, whenever they saw the Peking University edition of the Communist Movement History (a photocopy, wrapped in green kraft paper) I kept in the bookshelf, they would curiously open and look. When they saw the revolutionary mentor quotes in the preface, their expressions changed. I also gave a careless look and let it go.
I read what you wrote, but the first thing to clarify is what the purpose of detaching from the family is, and to what extent you need to achieve at this stage. Actually, technical problems are easy to solve, but ideological issues require some time to understand. It seems that your main question is how to detach technically, but the question is what step you are prepared to take and what goal you want to achieve, so that you can develop the appropriate strategy.
This is the victim-blaming mentality. I remember you didn’t quite understand why your sister was depressed.
What does “在高考上” mean after this paragraph? Is it implying that with this father, one can get into a good university?
No, that’s not it. What I mean is that I’ve already given up on my studies and don’t care anymore, but he is very dedicated to helping me get into a good university, making me feel that my giving up is no match for his efforts, and I am still being manipulated.
Please send the教材 from the CR period. My literature skills in that area are still too weak…