As the title suggests, this topic mainly discusses how to handle love among the propertied class, also for future comrades to reference and learn from.
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Recently, during interactions and exchanges with Ji and others, I mainly encountered two issues regarding how to handle bourgeois love relationships. The first is how to deal with some items from past relationships, such as photos and gifts—whether to keep or destroy them; the second is how to handle a special agreement—the agreement to take the high-speed train back to school after breaking up.
First, I will clarify my views on how to handle past items. Items from bourgeois love periods carry the oppression and subjugation of the man possessing the woman and the woman depending on the man. During the transformation from petty bourgeoisie to revolutionary intellectuals, especially when ideological resolve is weak, retaining items from bourgeois love can lead this transformation astray. The harm caused by these items far exceeds their educational value; they will hinder both parties’ ideological struggle. Therefore, I do not support keeping items from bourgeois love for warning purposes.
Next, I will explain the situation regarding the second issue. Due to my wrong approach, when trying to sever ties with Ji, I did not use reasoned arguments but instead employed a blunt and forceful method, aiming to cut all ties with Ji. During the exchange, I insisted on my desire to break up, believing that once broken up, everything could be discussed later. So I coerced Ji into breaking up, and she, helpless, compromised my demand but proposed that “we can break up, but we must go back to school together and clarify everything on the way.” I thought that just fooling around on the way would suffice, and in the end, this matter would be resolved. But it proved that I was wrong; such seemingly tough methods are ineffective. In the end, I explained to her the nature and outcome of bourgeois love, and exposed my past sins, helping her see my true face.
This led to a further discussion on the second issue: should I still adhere to this agreement? My initial view was no, because I had already explained the issues clearly, and traveling back together would lose its meaning. On the contrary, close contact might even have a negative impact on ideological transformation, so I did not support going back to school together.
However, after listening to Ji’s perspective, I was somewhat shaken. From the circumstances of the breakup, Ji did not realize the consequences of bourgeois love but still held some illusions about me. At that time, she bet on her previously unwavering love and agreed to break up with me and made that agreement. Now, if I do not honor this agreement, it would be a sign of disrespect to her. Therefore, I am uncertain about how to handle this matter. I hope everyone can discuss and give some suggestions.
Actually, I want to ask @暨和, besides clarifying the matter when taking the train back as you mentioned, do you have any other thoughts? I feel that you still haven’t truly let go of the experience of being deceived and self-deception in the past, which is why you attach great importance to this matter and want to have a so-called “good ending”. This way, you can deceive yourself into thinking you have resolved the knot and feel at peace, but in reality, you’re still numbing yourself and not facing the truth.
I think the process of letting go can’t be achieved overnight; I only know that I need to let go. I want to let go more than anyone else. I also don’t believe that completing this thing will lead to a good ending. After going through all this, how could there be a good ending? I am just numbing and deceiving myself, and I know that is absolutely unhelpful to me. Such a process can’t be happy; of course, I hope for a sense of relief. Maybe you think I’ve already made everything clear and there’s nothing more I need to ask, but my doubts are far greater than what has already been exposed. Completing this matter, rather than having a sense of beginning and end, I believe is one of the ways for me to completely let go. I don’t want to always passively accept some things.
Regarding past items, I believe that simply destroying them is meaningless. For items like game consoles that can still be used for entertainment, selling them to realize their economic value makes sense. For basketballs, it’s better not to bother; they are just sports equipment. As for books, depending on their type, you can choose to keep them, put them in boxes, or sell them. Concerning photos and letters that hold memories, I find it more acceptable to actively store them away in appropriate places rather than throwing them directly away. Since these are events that have already happened, I believe that direct destruction does not truly reflect facing the past. The real past should be something we can calmly accept, even when recalling it consciously, as a lesson, growth, or warning. Of course, we cannot deny that they have certain harmful effects, but I think if harm occurs, it should be something to overcome, and destroying them still carries an element of avoidance. Inner struggle is ongoing. If you truly understand the dangers of bourgeois love, then it is a continuous warning. If doubts arise, look at our outcome—would you still waver? This should be a process of continuous reinforcement, and it should be a process where we take the initiative ourselves. Passive struggle is even less advantageous when similar events occur in the future.
Ten days ago, you said you couldn’t face me again, but do you do so now? I’m afraid the answer is still not entirely certain; otherwise, during our conversation yesterday, you wouldn’t have kept justifying yourself. In the end, you only realized that you were just trying to solve this problem to make yourself feel better, not genuinely wanting to help me.
I have indeed been in the victim role many times in this relationship, but I have been much more honest than you, from beginning to end. I am not willing to be deceived and still cling to those false and pitiful values you provide.
Then why choose to discuss this issue clearly on the train instead of later communicating face-to-face offline, and also, there are many people and distractions on the train, which is not very safe.
Can I say that you are demanding I follow this agreement in order to expose me proactively? If so, you could also expose me in other ways, such as choosing an appropriate time and place to communicate later. I am not particularly opposed to taking the high-speed train back with you. The reasons I do not agree with your proposal are: 1. It is not conducive to both sides’ ideological struggle 2. Public places like high-speed trains are not safe 3. I am worried that you still have some bad thoughts that haven’t been exposed, because you keep talking abstractly about “I have let go,” and I can’t believe that you have truly “let go.” If you haven’t completely let go, then taking the high-speed train back together might have adverse effects on both you and me.
Because I don’t completely not care about that agreement
This is the main reason. Compared to revealing, I prefer to let go earlier. Why not choose the right time? Because I don’t think this is an inappropriate time, and moreover, I care about this appointment. As for the place, just talking in public places already covers the car ride. I don’t agree with your statement that it’s not conducive to ideological struggle. Are you worried that we have a revival of the bourgeois love view? Or do you think meeting in person will lead to something? You should be clear about the purpose of this trip, right? What are my bad thoughts? Do I still want to date you? I wouldn’t be so miserable as to jump into a pit. I haven’t said that I have completely let go, but I have definitely completely given up.
I’m not quite sure why you want to take the high-speed train back together. Could you explain your thoughts in more detail? I see that your discussion is very abstract and a lot of words 
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The first question, I personally lean towards returning or destroying these things because they reflect social relationships. After two people break up, they are two independent individuals, and the old relationship is in the past. Keeping these things might evoke memories and emotions, but probably won’t generate positive feelings.
The second question, I think Larry’s behavior is basically because he finds it troublesome and wants to get rid of it quickly, so he hastily agreed. I can’t understand the idea of going back to school together; is it some kind of ‘farewell ritual’ to give himself psychological comfort? That’s the most abstract thought I can come up with.
I indeed have many, many, many questions that I need to ask him in person, and there are two main reasons for doing this. First, I am really upset. I understand that only by truly letting go of these can I move on and truly get better. If he clarifies a bit more and I see his indifferent and resolute attitude or serious tone, it can have a certain “desensitization” effect because this person is really a bit too unfamiliar to me. I am now just giving up such a relationship, such a person, such a love, but I still have some self-motivation that I can’t shake off. I think it is very necessary to ask clearly. I also have some emotions that need to be vented, even with some anger, since it was caused by him, he should also take responsibility for these. Perhaps you think there are many ways to help me, but I believe this one is necessary and effective. I am unwilling to passively accept it slowly. Second, this is not a farewell ceremony, nor am I doing it for some reason that makes the ending more complete or makes me value this appointment more. When he asked for a breakup, I felt his state was off, so I proposed this request. He thought about it for a long time before agreeing and made the breakup the premise. I agreed and asked him repeatedly; he said he would not regret it. I think even if at that time he only wanted to casually get rid of me, these thoughts are the result of his careful analysis and should not be just a quick verbal decision. All previous promises were not to be discussed; I accepted them as false. So why, at this point, should the agreement be turned into a deception again? Moreover, what he thought was already very clear, so there is no need to continue. His clarity is only from his perspective, and I still have questions.
How to let go? I think you need to clarify the purpose of letting go. We don’t think that now the Larry tree needs to correct this problem, and we should not shelter him from criticism. I believe the best way for you to let go is to talk to him clearly about this issue, completely sever the old relationship, and during this process, you can criticize his past crimes against you.
However, you should not hold any hope of rekindling the relationship or starting over with someone else, as that might lead you straight to hell.
Additionally, I think if you really want to talk, it shouldn’t be on the train—there are too many people, it’s noisy, unsafe, and not an appropriate environment for a conversation.
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I think a more appropriate place to settle them might be somewhere where they won’t easily evoke memories. Indeed, old relationships remain in the past, so it’s better to let them stay there. There’s no need to destroy what has already happened, just like those real hurts—whether good or bad, they have helped us grow into new, independent people. My way of thinking probably stems from my attitude towards everything, stages, things, or relationships, since I almost never threw away anything that was meaningful to my growth. But I understand that they can pose certain dangers, and through these days of practice, I found that further giving up on what I used to do actually reveals the educational value of those experiences.
That’s what I think too.
I understand these.
Alright, I just think that the things that can be said in public are enough to cover the train ride, so I didn’t think much about it.
I don’t oppose you and him taking the train back together, but I feel like this environment might not be suitable for communication.
[quote="Ji He, post:16, topic:781]
Well, I just think that what can be said in public is enough to cover the train ride, so I didn’t really think about it.
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Maybe it was past experiences that made me feel this occasion was more suitable for thinking; ask what needs to be asked, and for what I want to think about, it’s good to remain silent or just look out the window.
If that’s the case, I think the purpose should be clear, and preparations should be made. Moreover, on the train, there are really many people and a lot of noise. If it’s about “revisiting old issues” (colloquially speaking), it’s inevitable that there will be loud arguments (which of course is appropriate), and this might be affected by the environment.
If you really plan to talk on the train, then first investigate how to find a quiet environment to speak privately on the train.
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Thank you, our communication is difficult to argue about, but indeed we need to reconsider the environment.