Since the beginning of March when school started, although I keep saying I want to follow the path of proletarianization, in reality I’m really afraid of actually applying to a vocational high school and fighting to break away from my old family. I haven’t even started yet and I don’t dare fight (this is closely related to the licentious and indulgent life since the end of January). So in school I’ve been opportunistic and very driven, so the pressure from the old nine and from feudal family pressures both became very small, while there’s also material bribery from both the old nine and the parents in snacks and drinks. On top of that, the vulgar entertainment socializing among small bourgeois classmates made me completely degenerate at school and at home. After returning home there are disciplinary constraints, I need to attend study groups, but I’m half-hearted there too; most of the time I’m backstage scrolling for entertainment memes and bourgeois music. A few minutes later I’d check the study group interface to see what they’re talking about, then to show off that I said some correct nonsense, and then continue to switch screens to watch videos. At this time it’s probably mid-March. It happened to coincide with my former enticing partner C inviting me to go home together after school since I’d walk home with her at night because she said she lived nearby. This thing itself wasn’t a big deal, but because C walked home alone at night and was bored, and I happened to be along the way (as C herself said). But I used this as a trigger to start mentally attacking and fantasizing whether C would become subservient to me, and I planned to keep making advances under this psychology. At the time, although I had already taken a stance of individualism and didn’t want to reveal things, wearing Marxism-Leninism on my sleeve, to comfort myself I still leaned toward “revolution,” so I created a draft planning to write a “self-criticism,” but living so comfortably at school and at home, and having the incentive to flirt, I wrote only two or three hundred characters and didn’t want to write more, because it touched on my real pornographic content. In reality nothing was revealed; instead it became a tool for me to later promise everyone and tz that I would “build a plan” for them. In March, when King of Marks launched a reckless attack, I angrily rebuked him in the post. A large part of my mind wanted to present myself as revolutionary, so that others wouldn’t ask about my life. At that time I joined the lsep welcome group, but I almost didn’t post any activity records. After attending the study group, I would go watch videos until around 1–2 a.m. At this time tz was very concerned about my real life status. I didn’t want to be honest, and I carried a bureaucratic attitude, looking down on tz, so I adopted a two-front deception: either claiming that I had already disclosed everything to everyone, or using the earlier draft to say I would finish it and post it, while not posting any activity records on the organization side. From March to mid-April, basically every day was like this. In early April, Fengtiao decided to form a propaganda group, and I hadn’t written any activity records for two months, but in order to display that I was a “revolutionary” on the leftist circle, I still decided to join the propaganda group. Although I took an oath, I still looked down on discipline. At the same time I used the previous draft to lay out a big catchphrase, saying I would post a self-criticism. I originally thought that in the propaganda group I could be like before, while living a comfortable parasitic life, continue to resist ideological struggle underground. But if this life continued, my class consciousness gradually eroded, I did more vulgar socializing: using living expenses to buy snacks for opportunistic classmates to maintain social relations (but unwilling to lend money to tz), even downloaded QQ on my phone to chat with C; I worked even harder on opportunism, almost rarely sleeping in class. The organizational activity records on their side were still sporadic, and even when written, they didn’t touch real life. Thus I aligned with the petty-bourgeois right-wing position, and the conflict with tz and everyone intensified greatly. First, in school I argued with tz using bureaucratic methods; since my life was comfortable, I could not understand why tz was so angry about the campus bullying of Class B, and I looked down on tz, so I yelled with bureaucratic authority “then don’t say anything,” turning into a public confrontation. Then I held the fear that tz would reveal my true situation to everyone, biting my tongue, apologized to tz in a hypocritical way, wanting to “settle it quietly.” Secondly, I again engaged in opportunism in the midterm, betrayed tz, and achieved a good score in a top institution, and the conflicts with everyone exploded. In school bureaucratization collapsed, I was found not to have paid tz back, and my lie of doing a “self-criticism” was exposed. In short, I could no longer shout revolutionary phrases and read revolution-specific words while frenziedly watching porn and engaging in vulgar socializing. Everyone urged me to truly confess my life, but my fear and anxiety was precisely this. Because I refused to reveal, the mindset shifted from fear of personal利益 to frenzied protection of personal利益, and I decided to defect, just like before, drawing a big self-criticism plan before logging off to go deeper into hiding. After that I never read any group messages again.
On Monday tz asked me what was happening, because I already decided to become counterrevolutionary and considered myself a deserter, and I had already been in hiding for a day, so I became even more paranoid, ignoring tz all day, and after returning home I discarded the discipline’s constraints, tore off my Marxist-Leninist disguise, and returned to my old life, indulging more openly in porn: listening to virtual idol songs; watching mc videos I had followed before joining the forum last year; even watching the later drama of Qianli Xing in Ming and the subsequent works; contacting right-wing porn friends I had cut off because I joined the forum via QQ; flirting with C; more frequent hand porn, etc. Then at school I also made a “break off comrades’ relationship” desertion statement to tz, drawing a big catchphrase that “I might return after a few years.” Although I appeared wild in front of tz and everyone, in reality I feel extremely guilty. Even thinking about desertion itself is frightening, because the porn facts are laid out here; my desertion is reactionary, and I don’t dare log onto the forum to face everyone’s anger and questioning. Until tz said I had been removed from the propaganda group, I dared to log in and quickly log off, trying to take a middle route of JQR. While browsing videos on Bilibili I came across a wartime letter from the French Resistance fighters, and I felt so guilty I couldn’t even look—just skipped it after a few seconds.
In these days I find that engaging in vulgar socializing at school is increasingly against my personal interests: those classmates talk about opportunistic stuff, but my opportunism is low and I can hardly contribute; I buy a lot of snacks for those people to maintain vulgar relationships, but they don’t give me any “returns” according to the petty-bourgeois principle of equal exchange. Flirting also has no real “progress,” and C clearly says she doesn’t like me anymore. Because of these personal-interest failures, using revolution as a backup plan, I’ve started to waver about which path to take again in the past two days. This thought feels also very reactionary; as a petty-bourgeois, I always want a place where I can indulge in reckless lewdness and mutual aid, and I don’t want to accept revolutionary discipline or oppose lewdness. The only motivation that once drove me to support the revolution and join the organization was the domination by the old nine and the parents, and after surrendering to them to live a comfortable life this motivation disappeared. The times previously that drew me back to revolutionary organizations were because I realized there is nowhere in capitalist society that can cultivate mutual aid; the opportunistic dogs and Confucian parents at school are all scheming, and only the comrades in the revolutionary organization will truly speak honestly with each other. I learned many phrases from the forum, but my mind is still petty-bourgeois ideology; when capitalism touches personal interests I think of revolution, utilitarianism and individualism are too strong.
Having revealed so much to everyone, I feel that living a parasitic porn life and deserting is too reactionary, but I don’t know how to deal with my utilitarian mindset that treats revolution as a retreat and my bureaucratic mindset toward tz. I think I should first relearn the non-revolution and the ideology struggle guidelines, cut off old contacts, and then attend study groups according to discipline. I don’t know how others view it; I feel I have no face to face everyone.
Is Snail still not going to vocational high school, and should he go for a general high school, college, etc.?
I’m still living this parasitic reactionary life, with connections to Confucian parents too deep. Yesterday at the parent-teacher meeting they analyzed the grades; both Lao Jiu and the parents were satisfied with my grades. To be honest, I now take a reactionary petty-bourgeois right-wing stance, feel timid about fighting for a vocational high school, and don’t want to or dare not oppose the Confucian parents. A compromised plan I came up with is to first enter a general high school and then fight and study on my own midway. But doing this would betray TZ.
Extreme天, in the past you said you wouldn’t go to high school and would go straight to work, you were supposed to follow the correct organizational path, now you don’t perform at all, you directly say you want to go to general high school, the struggle stuff later, I strongly suspect you treat comrades as fools, whether if high school elective grades are good, then do one more silent resistance, then defend your opportunistic path, then say go to university first and then struggle. I tell you screw, what school you ultimately attend represents what path you will take, whether it is the correct revolutionary path of entering productive struggle, or continuing the decadent opportunist counterrevolutionary path. If you want revolution, want to change yourself, then throw immediately away those rotten reactionary things, implement the correct path of the organization.
No, it’s not about some abstract parasitic perverse pleasure issue. It’s about your attitude toward the association—that you are so obsessed with opportunistically climbing up and seducing female classmates. Things like buying snacks to flatter classmates, seducing female classmates—these things fail, there’s no progress, and you come to our association, and when we hold you accountable for your actions, you disappear. It’s still the same pattern: whatever benefits you, you do it. If flattering classmates and seducing girls went smoothly, you probably wouldn’t come back to talk to us. From your last remark, “but I don’t know what to do about treating revolution as a retreat and about the bureaucratic thinking toward tz,” you can see that it’s not that you don’t know what to do; you haven’t reflected on these problems at all. You insist on clinging to this set of things, never even considering how you would know what to do. It sounds as if there is some external power controlling you, preventing you from reflecting. What exactly is the mindset and purpose behind pushing the screw in?
I think it’s the psychology of opportunistic revolution. Well, it’s basically what you said: treating the organization with an individualistic attitude. Now vulgar socializing and drawing people in have caused problems, and returning after living a reactionary life in capitalist society didn’t go smoothly. The purpose is to reveal my life according to everyone’s previous requests, to see how people currently treat me. It’s disgusting and reactionary—treating comrades with the social methods from capitalist society. I really haven’t thought these issues through carefully; I should think about it again. I’ve been fooling myself with revolutionary phrases for too long.
How can you say it so lightly about the screw? It’s not a matter of whether you’re happy with it; these things were never something you deserved. Your speculation and deceit failed, and when you couldn’t gain benefits from the organization, you reached your hand into it. You say you acted according to everyone’s demands—shouldn’t you reflect on the mistakes you made yourself? It’s shameless to the extreme; everyone’s attitude completely depends on how you view your own problems and your attitude toward the revolution. I hope you don’t think about going to a general high school.
The long-standing question about the history of the screw remains unresolved, and this time it basically exposed his own reactionary lifestyle. In the past, he had deceived comrades and the organization for personal gain; after being exposed, he inevitably made self-criticism and confessed, wanting to return to the organization to continue participating in the revolution. The organizational comrades followed the correct line of “unity—criticism—unity,” showed tolerance, and gave him opportunities for repentance. Yet the screw repeatedly treated the comrades’ tolerance as waste paper and tossed it into the trash. After self-criticism and a “determination” to revolution, not long after he resumed his indulgence as if carrying no burden, again engaging in debauchery and continuing the reactionary path that protected his personal interests. This time, although the screw made self-criticism and disclosure, what happens after this? Will the screw still pursue his own reactionary path that protects personal interests? If you want to revolutionize, what should you do?
You should take a good look at the post cover chosen by Comrade Fenghuo.
Why hasn’t Screw been coming around lately, no matter what?
Probably went off to enjoy themselves, and it looks like they’re having a great time.
He defected.
Really? What exactly happened?
Huh? He posted his self-criticism and then ran off right away, huh? Doesn’t he feel ashamed of himself?