Student Diary of The Sword of the Republic

free discussion School Diary
49

2.20–2.21

Yesterday morning and noon, I discussed with comrades the issue of oppressed students in the class, and I was asked to study their specific behaviors and the growth process of individualist思想 (individualism). But comrades also reminded me to be at least somewhat vigilant against my bourgeois思想 (bourgeois思想). This is completely correct, because I rarely engage in ideological struggle, leading to my bourgeois思想 (such as色情思想 (pornographic thoughts)) often invading my mind. I must carry out a comprehensive attack on such thoughts, but how to attack them? Certainly through self-criticism and criticism from others, but I don’t understand self-criticism well—what exactly should I do? Is it just exposing my bourgeois思想 (bourgeois思想) in my diary and then proposing ways to change? After transforming my思想 (thoughts), I can then do propaganda work, which would be safer and more secure.

Then I found that C still harbors many illusions about reactionary儒母 (Confucian mother). He said his matrilineal family treats him very well, and his mother always gives him the best. I couldn’t understand this at all until I later found out that his father is even more beastly (specific behavior, he doesn’t let me elaborate). The best? A few hours of classes on New Year’s Day? Not allowed to use app stores and browsers? When I questioned these, he said there are many opportunists online. I pointed out that this is like biting off more than one can chew. According to him, since someone throws objects from high altitude, I shouldn’t go out! Clearly, he’s just making excuses for his weakness! And he also wants to follow proper procedures, persuading his儒母 (Confucian mother) to go out and work. Damn! Will儒 (Confucian) parents let you go to work? When they find out they can’t profit through scheming via you, they’ll definitely阻止 (block) you in every way,甚至 (even) bring out reactionary police to suppress you! Then he still holds a幻想 (illusion) about bourgeois大学 (universities), asking why he can’t go to work after finishing university. I said university is a淫乐窝 (pleasure den), and it shouldn’t be搞 (used as a verb here). He asked why he can’t go to (two well-known local universities), and I told him he can’t, and those名牌大学 (famous universities) won’t teach you how to screw in screws, right?

Then about the matter of those who promote without transforming their思想 (thoughts), C and I both did it before (no need to worry too much about this, I hadn’t joined the forum at that time), and then I found that people simply don’t listen, only perfunctorily respond. Moreover, it’s very dangerous that C directly said Deng Xiaoping was a revisionist. Saying this in front of classmates is extremely dangerous—you don’t understand your classmates’ political inclinations. What if this person turns out to be a future白匪军 (white bandit army)? Wouldn’t you get your head chopped off? But at that time, I was just a leftist enjoying myself, and I didn’t think much—just silently allowed C to say that. Now I realize it was too dangerous back then. So today I quickly reminded C not to do this anymore.

Then today I read the Outline of Marxist Philosophy, learned about the basic differences between dialectics and metaphysics, as well as the opposition between agnosticism and gnoseology. Speaking of this reading part, I don’t know what to write—welcome everyone to give some suggestions.

50

Just throwing out “opportunism” is too abstract.

I don’t know what you’re thinking, I can’t understand what this means.

51

My point is that because there are some incorrect views on the internet, I just stop going online, which is even more wrong.

56

Why is it called C? Actually, I didn’t think much about it at the time, I just took the first letter of the surname. Could this be unsafe? Should I change it? Then I said that I had contact with him, and the initial contact was because we both were opportunists, both became math class representatives, and then had a little communication, but not very deep. At that time, we were both lecherous men, basically just talking dirty jokes to each other. Then I found out he knew a bit about WWII history. How did I find out? Because he played reactionary games like Kards, and since I liked to watch history, I had some chats with him. (But honestly, I can’t say I liked history, I just liked to watch stories and see how maps changed, basically superficial, no deep understanding.) At that time, I was still heavily involved in hero historiography.

Back then, I learned some achievements of reactionary Lin Biao during the Liberation War online. I blindly thought he was a hero, with merits outweighing faults. I would deliberately show off in front of others, pretending to “know a lot.” At that time, I was a pure petty-bourgeois right-wing fun-seeker, joking about Lin Biao’s plane crash every day. I kept joking about this hellish joke to others, and when I found out C also knew about it, I kept telling him this stupid joke. Our relationship grew closer amid all this chaos.

Then, in the second year of middle school, I felt I couldn’t mess around anymore and needed to improve my Marxist-Leninist level. I read the Communist Manifesto and “On the Proletarian Revolution,” and felt I was ready. At that point, I evolved from a pure fun-seeker into a leftist circle fun-seeker (not really an evolution). I decided to use him as a test subject and started spouting at him, but my spouting was not skilled, just throwing around random metaphors. What I said in my diary was wrong; those things weren’t propaganda, they were just meaningless nonsense that the leftist circle shouted every day.

Later, I realized that doing this was pointless, at most it would produce another person in the leftist circle. I told him to read the Communist Manifesto, and I read it myself. We were completely opposite; he read very slowly, about four pages a month. I read it casually, swallowing it all in one night and one morning.

Why did I tell him about breaking away from family? Recently, I roughly understood the reactionary nature of Zhongxiu University, and I could no longer engage in opportunistic education. Without analyzing the actual situation and without fully understanding C, I made a voluntarist mistake and told him not to do this. This caused him to resist strongly at first, then was discovered by the Confucian mother. My current problem is very obvious: I learn a little and want to show off, can’t control my mouth, and start talking nonsense without considering appropriateness. This approach is too risky; not only did I fail to achieve my goal, but I also attracted the enemy’s attention, and it might even involve the forum. So I will try to analyze specific situations in the future and not act rashly.

Actually, there’s nothing much to say in today’s diary; everything I can say has already been mentioned above.

2 Likes
65

2.25

Although it’s February 25th, this is a summary of these past few days. Recently, my mental state has been very poor, bourgeois思想 (bourgeois ideology) is疯狂反扑 (fiercely counterattacking), when I have free time I start watching porn videos, and I even fantasize while sleeping, which is truly反动透顶 (extremely reactionary). Also, I haven’t studied properly; I only search for topics I’m interested in on forums to view content, rather than systematically学习 (learning). I understand a little, but I feel I still haven’t learned the method of ideological斗争 (struggle), nor have I主动地 (proactively) engaged in ideological斗争, which has led to the复辟 (restoration) of bourgeois思想 (ideology). I know that ideological斗争 mainly involves批评 (criticism) and自我批评 (self-criticism). But I still haven’t figured out what exactly自我批评 (self-criticism) is—should I be accusing myself of罪行 (sins) facing the wall? It feels a bit strange, or should I find a private space to反省 (reflect) on my faults? Or perhaps, once a hint of错误思想 (incorrect thoughts) appears, I should狠狠打击 (severely strike) and展开 (launch)严厉批判 (severe criticism)? The previous bourgeois唯心主义 (idealism)历史观 (view of history) is also trying to复辟 (reclaim). The reason is that I previously watched a video ranking the rulers of唯心史观 (idealistic historical views), and recently the creator released a new video. At this time,唯心主义 (idealism)思想 (thought) launched an attack, which forced me to click in. Some very唯心主义 (idealistic)排行榜 (rankings), placing rulers from different eras together—doing this is truly meaningless. But my思想 (thoughts) have degenerated; I am immersed in this kind of cyber斗蛐蛐 (fighting crickets).

Speaking of which, I think I can补充 (supplement) the部分 (part) of my previous self-introduction where I wrote about大搞 (doing extensively)唯心 (idealism)史观 (view of history), which can help me better研究 (study) the development of my反动 (reactionary)唯心主义 (idealistic)历史观 (view of history). Because I have had very little社会实践 (social practice) since childhood, which has led to my方法 (approach) of看待 (viewing) the world being very形而上学 (metaphysical). I think anything can be compared, which caused me to start comparing those皇帝 (emperors) at a very young age—that is the so-called赛博斗蛐蛐 (cyber fighting crickets) prototype. Later, I systematically watched such videos and wrote down those things and kept them in my hand. Then, to深入研究 (deeply study) this kind of stuff, I joined their唯心史观 (idealistic view of history)群聊 (group chat), and I found that those people’s素质 (quality) was very低 (low). In the group, they互骂 (insult each other), using污秽 (filthy) words like臭sb (stinky shit), cnm, which often made me feel very不适 (uncomfortable). But most of all, there were also大汉族主义者 (Han chauvinists) in the group, saying that少数民族 (ethnic minorities) are all傻逼 (idiots), and that我汉族 (our Han ethnicity) is最伟大 (the greatest). What’s more, there’s no more适当的 (appropriate)国族主义 (nationalism) than the real-world unity of all peoples. At that time, I was又急又气 (both anxious and angry), but I didn’t dare反驳 (argue back). Later, I was kicked out by them. This reactionary史观 (view of history) has quieted down a bit. These things gradually dissipated, but I haven’t systematically批判 (criticized) them, so they could复辟 (reclaim) at any time. Therefore, I decided to find a time to批判 (criticize) this reactionary stuff.

1 Like
66

What you’re talking about are just forms. I think self-criticism is not something a person can do alone in their small personal world. It requires openly and sincerely discussing your mistakes with others, deeply, seriously, and earnestly reflecting on your errors, and expressing all the contradictions in your thoughts. Take myself as an example: after the holiday, my lifestyle was very decadent, my thoughts were very bad, but I was unwilling to share and expose the reactionary things I had done with comrades. Instead, I was just sitting alone in my room forcing myself to write self-criticism, but in the end, I only wrote a dozen words and stopped. It’s because I still haven’t recognized my mistakes and stubbornly cling to old reactionary lifestyles, so I don’t want to reflect. Even if I write, it’s fake and insincere. But genuine self-criticism requires sincerity, not fake or hypocritical words. The form isn’t particularly important; what matters is whether you truly have an attitude of wanting to reflect on your reactionary behaviors.

As for myself, recently I’ve had ideological conflicts about exposing my mistakes and being open with everyone. During the holiday, internet indulgence and the crazy materialistic buying by other family members gradually shook my class stance. To satisfy my reactionary pornographic thoughts, I even engaged with AI erotic stories, and I paid less attention to organizational discipline. But I gradually realized that indulgence is completely a way to numb myself. Playing wildly during the holiday, and then having to return to school at the start of the new term, facing parental pressure and the stupid old Ninth’s control and suppression? Moreover, I claim on forums that I am a Marxist-Leninist revolutionary, but on Bilibili I watch reactionary vulgar soft porn videos. Isn’t this two-faced attitude quite hypocritical? What’s the difference from the leftist circle? I know this double-faced attitude is very disgusting, but when indulging in pleasure, I still cling to this reactionary lifestyle, even shouting “I just want to scroll videos, just want to masturbate,” so I dare not honestly open up and expose my sins to everyone. It’s said to be “saving face,” but in fact, I have no face at all. Only those who sincerely expose and reflect on their mistakes in forums and organizations have face; blindly defending one’s mistakes only makes you a shameful clown. But the revolution is accumulating strength day by day, progressing step by step, and more and more people are joining the forums to introduce themselves. And it was during my crazy indulgence that a comrade I hadn’t paid much attention to before was beaten by his father for using his own money to buy a spare phone—can I say I have no responsibility for this? I watch videos, and see videos of people online demanding their wages and exposing the horrors of drug rehabilitation schools. I feel angry, but I also think my sympathy is too hypocritical. After sympathizing, I continue to watch videos and do nothing, indulging in pornography and masturbation every day. Who has the qualification to call themselves revolutionary? In the end, I conclude: I am living too laughably. I want to expose my reactionary mistakes, but when it’s time to criticize, I suddenly don’t want to lose my pleasures, so I keep delaying writing self-criticism, which has already dragged on for more than half a month. These days, it’s probably a cycle of these two mental states. This is my inner contradiction, and I want to include it in my self-criticism. Please help me with your opinion. What do you think?

9 Likes
67

No way, I feel like the screw is almost instructing others, but in fact, what he wrote is a form of self-reflection. However, it’s not mature enough, which is understandable. The screw not only studied Marxism-Leninism for a long time but has also been active on forums for quite a while. Recently, his thoughts have become stagnant, and his life is extremely corrupt. He hasn’t engaged in self-criticism nor shown any signs of change. Either he pretends to be deaf and mute when others ask questions, refusing to respond; or he questions others’ issues, using manipulative tactics to conceal his own ideological problems; or he talks confidently, vaguely discussing his own ideological issues, muddling through the situation. This is the situation with the screw, so why should he go around instructing others?

68

I was just sharing my opinion, and I also mentioned later that if Zhijian has different suggestions, they can speak up. Where did I point fingers at anyone?

69

First, the self-reflection written by Zhi Jian is not mature, and his question about how to handle self-criticism does not conflict with that.
Second, if you say so, I could completely avoid writing so many words specifically addressing Zhi Jian’s issues and just share my own thoughts. After all, isn’t the most reactionary way to hide one’s ideological problems to be underground on the forum? Yes, I have indeed been underground for more than half a month to escape ideological struggles, but my confusion and contradictions in my thoughts have now developed to the point where I feel very distressed and uncomfortable unless I expose them. So, I only have two paths: either plunge into low-level pleasures to numb myself madly, becoming more and more reactionary and eventually leaving the organization; or be frank and honest with everyone about my mistakes. I have indeed been numbing myself with indulgence for several weeks. But can this numbness be overcome? Do people spend 24 hours a day on their phones? Look up and see the pile of unfinished winter holiday homework—anyone would think of the sour faces of Lao Jiu and the parents afterward. Recently, a new member has joined the forum, and a comrade was also subjected to domestic violence by his Confucian father. I am shocked and feel guilty about the violence. It’s obvious that avoiding contradictions is not feasible anymore.
For more than half a month, I haven’t written a proper self-criticism, haven’t reported my ideological and living conditions to everyone daily. This is indeed my mistake, a reactionary act of destroying organizational discipline to indulge in pleasures and unwilling to expose it. I am very ashamed.
Actually, I don’t need to write so much about my recent ideological state when replying to Zhi Jian. A brief, abstract reply like “self-criticism should be sincere” would suffice. This is probably what you mean by pointing fingers. But the questions Zhi Jian asks are directly related to me. If I reply, “Self-criticism should be sincere, not fake,” but don’t mention anything about my own ideological problems, and show a double attitude towards everyone without writing a self-criticism, isn’t that more hypocritical? Since I also want to solve my ideological issues, why not include my contradictions? There’s a saying: “The drunkard’s intention is not in the wine.” I am not a drunkard, but the meaning is similar.
In this reply, addressing Zhi Jian’s questions is somewhat secondary. The main thing is to initially reveal my reactionary lifestyle and demonstrate my willingness to accept organizational discipline and participate in reform. I don’t understand where I pointed fingers at others. Even if I did, I didn’t stop Zhi Jian from expressing his own views, did I?
I don’t know what other comrades in the organization think when they see me write so much, but I know that what I must do first is to report my living conditions and activity overview, so everyone can believe I am not bluffing or deceiving.

11 Likes
70

I re-read my reply to Zhi Jian. You do have some valid points. Before resolving your own ideological issues, you shouldn’t go to others’ ideological posts. First, you should solve your own problems, and then speak. Otherwise, no matter how you explain your original intention, in the eyes of other comrades, it might seem like an act of avoiding struggle, which I can also understand. I didn’t first write a detailed activity overview or self-criticism to expose and reflect on those reactionary behaviors, but only briefly revealed them in my responses to others. This shows that I haven’t been fully open and honest with everyone. Thank you for your criticism.

4 Likes
71

Qian Ren’s words do seem to be giving advice, but I haven’t seen Qian Ren openly criticize himself. How can he speak so confidently about screws?

7 Likes
72

2.26

Today, I want to criticize my own pornographic thoughts. First of all, I always or when I do something, inexplicably think of pornographic content. Why is that? It must be closely related to my lifestyle. Since the holiday started, I have been living a decadent life, just eating and watching things. The key is, I just watch, but I don’t do anything meaningful, search for some keywords, then browse around, which is indeed meaningless. Then, before the holiday, I had the bad habit of watching porn and masturbating. After learning to bypass the firewall, this thought became more explicit, crazily visiting porn sites and watching porn. Although there is a correct voice telling me that this is bad, that it is oppressive. Compared to my complete addiction, there’s probably no point in saying these things. And although this voice is correct, it is very shallow, very superficial, not deep at all, not one bit of serious reflection on why I shouldn’t do this. This faint light is quickly extinguished by my reactionary bourgeois thoughts, maliciously arguing? She should do it voluntarily, it’s all about making money, it’s all acting. What nonsense! Look at their painful expressions, can they be voluntary? Most of them are forced, coerced into it, in other words, it’s rape. To take a step back, even if they are actors making money, I don’t want to think about why they would make money in such an extreme way. Is it because they are desperate? Is it because the evil society forced them to this point! In short, everything is just not voluntary. Do I understand this clearly? Of course I do, but I just want to shamelessly defend my brutal behavior! Extremely reactionary!

But I feel I still write relatively little. Welcome everyone to suggest writing directions.

4 Likes
73

Friend, you’re so middle schooler-like, are you really a high school student? Haha, but you’re brave to admit your mistakes.

74

Unbelievable, what is this tone of yours

1 Like
75

I’m a middle school student, and how is this so “chuunibyou”?

76

No, I don’t have any other meaning. I just feel that the name “Sword of the Republic” is a bit middle school.

77

Starting a revolutionary career at such a young age, truly talented at a young age. I also came into contact with communism at 14.

78

The sword is self-criticizing its own recent thoughts; isn’t that a very serious matter? How come King is instead paying attention to others’ names? That’s quite inappropriate!

11 Likes
79

You’re right, I accept the criticism.

2 Likes
80

3.1

These days, my ideological struggle has fallen into a trough again. The night before last, when I went to bed, I suddenly thought about the development history of my previous pornographic thoughts, which I did not expose thoroughly enough, and I wanted to say more. But the next day, I was afraid again, and even the pornographic thoughts reappeared. What is the root cause of this? I think one point is that my last self-criticism may not have been thorough enough, I haven’t touched the root, and I haven’t truly realized my mistakes. The critique of pornographic thoughts is only that this thing is reactionary; it can’t be tolerated. But why reactionary? I feel I haven’t thought enough. Reactionary? Because it oppresses women, which we all know. But how exactly does it oppress? I think I should think more deeply. Is there something more profound I haven’t considered? Or perhaps there are other reactionary aspects I haven’t exposed yet. The second point is ideological struggle, which is a long-term task, a lifelong process. It cannot be stopped at will, and certainly not to the point of thinking, “Wow, I wrote such a good self-criticism, so awesome.” I believe that dealing with one’s bourgeois thoughts is like implementing dictatorship over class enemies. One must always be vigilant. If you carelessly declare: “Reactionary thoughts have been eradicated!” it indicates that such thoughts are on the path to revival! Then, perhaps one day, these thoughts will cause a counter-revolutionary coup like Khrushchev’s, or the Huairen Hall counter-revolutionary coup. Before that, the ideological struggle would have been more than half wasted. Therefore, ideological struggle must continue in a revolutionary way, like the Cultural Revolution, but within the mind.

And also, the things that happened today are still unlearned and unskilled. But today, I came up with a new idea. A long time ago, out of curiosity and mainly to satisfy my vanity, I wanted to show off in front of my classmates. I did something very crazy—manually calculating pi. But later, I gave up because I seemed to always get it wrong, right? And today, I remembered again, wanting to continue calculating, but this time, my vanity demanded more. I didn’t do it manually; I just wrote down the formulas and then used a computer to calculate, to satisfy my vanity, making it look like I did the calculation myself. But that’s not really the case. Did I do this myself? No. It was the computer. But why do I have this need to satisfy my vanity? I think, ultimately, it might be due to my petty-bourgeois shortcomings (?), always liking to do some superficial, showy things to adorn myself. So overall, I still need to transform myself first, and then do these things later (though maybe after transformation, I won’t like doing these anymore). But I don’t understand what exactly calculating pi means to me. Does it have any significance? I think it might not be very meaningful. So, in summary, the main thing is to focus on studying theory.

Yesterday, C asked me how my struggle was going at home. I said there was no progress. I still haven’t overcome my weakness—fighting against Confucian dogmatism. So overall, I still need to focus on studying theory, transforming myself, and doing some housework. But where should I start doing housework? Why do I have an illusion that everything is already done? But that’s just my excuse. I believe there are methods to transform myself.

Today, I still have English class. The dead pose guy is still acting pretentiously, and then there’s Yin-Yang. When I see him now, I want to punch him, so he won’t bother me anymore. But does this really have any meaning? Punching him feels good, but what about afterward? I feel this is like leftist opportunism.

1 Like