About January 9th, after discussing some theoretical issues with Wuyi, I decided to go back to the classroom to think. But as I was thinking, my pornographic thoughts reawakened, and I fantasized about a class. Not only did I fail to resolve the theoretical problems, but I also became physically and mentally exhausted, spiritually empty. My fantasizing phenomenon has not occurred once or twice, but has been frequent over a long period, like a tumor that can spread infinitely. I remembered a self-introduction I wrote before, which concealed much of the dark and dirty side of my thoughts and beautified myself a lot. A self-criticism that is just a perfunctory act, which offers no real help in solving my ideological problems, and my pornographic thoughts rebounded after just a few days. Today, I will thoroughly reveal the development process, current situation, and other fascist thoughts of my pornographic ideas, and I am determined to thoroughly cleanse this toxic tumor of pornography. I hope everyone can give me some advice and guidance.
Let me first talk about my oppressive thoughts.
I was born into a wealthy petty bourgeois family, living a parasitic life of having others do everything for me, rarely coming into contact with the working people at the bottom, knowing little about their poverty and suffering, so I rarely felt the decay and darkness of the old world, and thus rarely felt sympathy for the oppressed. Plus, I spent all day indulging in淫乐 (leisurely pleasures) and consuming精神鸦片 (spiritual opium). Under the influence of bourgeois decadent and thieving artistic works (especially influenced by a reactionary game introduced to me by my hooligan friends—Vice City), where players act as criminals, doing whatever they want, slaughtering NPC crowds with blood and gore, gaining pleasure from slaughter, and spreading fascist toxic weeds, I developed a pathological思想 (thought) that takes pleasure in oppressing others and deriving joy from others’ pain. This反动的认识 (reactionary understanding) then guides反动的实践 (reactionary practice). In the bourgeois academy, I can be considered a shameful bully and oppressor, not only enjoying hierarchy in interactions with classmates but also bullying a girl classmate with intellectual disabilities and ugly appearance—insulting her verbally, deliberately kicking her seat, blocking her seat, and taking pleasure in it!
When I first entered middle school, some hooligans in the class spread obscene information about watching porn. At first, I was very shocked and disgusted because I didn’t understand what these lower-class men called “knowledge” in their filthy talk. Later, immersed in this environment for a long time, combined with my earlier oppressive思想 that took pleasure in others’ pain, I gradually became accustomed and colluded with other hooligan classmates, opening up pornographic jokes everywhere, dumping these色情垃圾 (pornographic trash). Initially just for low-level趣味 (fun), thinking it was “interesting,” but later I started searching online for pornographic敏感词 (sensitive words) to satisfy my vile sexual desires. During the winter vacation of eighth grade (before claiming it was ninth grade to beautify myself), I accessed porn websites, and from then on, my pornographic thoughts exploded. During this period, combined with the aforementioned oppressive思想, I also watched a very reactionary and abusive film about women. The fascist-style pathological oppression思想 and pornographic思想 combined, making it uncontrollable. Since then, my pornographic thoughts are no longer just imagining sexual scenes but imagining darker, more毒害 (poisonous) sexual abuse!
After entering the forum, I only vaguely and abstractly mentioned my pornographic thoughts in my self-introduction, which was not only very brief but also beautified. Later, I turned a blind eye and never critically examined my pornographic thoughts, instead ignoring and letting them be, thinking that stopping watching porn and ceasing these practices would be “all clear,” and I would be “revolutionized,” but I never formally confronted my frequent幻想 (fantasies). Fantasizing is nothing but recalling porn I’ve watched before in my mind, or indirectly browsing porn websites—both are essentially the same. Moreover, when I am at home freely and spiritually空虚 (empty), I sometimes can’t help but want to watch porn. I just suppress it. But—suppress, suppress, suppress, yet it doesn’t truly surrender. I haven’t fought ideological battles, nor do I genuinely feel sympathy for oppressed women, nor do I genuinely hate my pornographic thoughts and other disgusting lower-class men. Relying solely on suppression, one day I will succumb to these pornographic thoughts, make peace with petty bourgeoisie! In a previous self-criticism I wrote, I exposed my pornographic thoughts. After that, during the peak of ideological struggle, I hardly fantasized, but then I became complacent, relaxed my guard, and because my ideological struggle wasn’t thorough, the fantasies returned, and my pornographic思想 quickly rebounded. Then I fell into a trough, ignoring it, giving up. The three-minute热度 (hotness) of petty bourgeoisie’s peak period is so terrifying—absolutely cannot be complacent, absolutely cannot relax vigilance!
Additionally: In the bourgeois academy, because I often engaged in低级趣味 (low-level趣味) with other bourgeois students, after becoming familiar with them, some of their lower-class nature gradually exposed itself. I don’t know if they are driven by男同思想 (homosexual thoughts) or恋童癖 (pedophilia), but they even made some猥亵动作 (indecent acts) on me (these animals—when they can’t get women, they get desperate and do indecent things to men, so disgusting!). Because I also have pornographic思想 that oppress women, and share a common, overlapping worldview with them, I not only didn’t feel angry but also tacitly approved their behavior. Furthermore, being able to indulge in低级趣味 with them, isn’t that proof that I share interests with them and can make peace with them?
