This post is used to share some of my thoughts and some things that have happened in my life worth reflecting on. Occasionally, there may be school diaries, but I am not used to keeping a diary; instead, I write some miscellaneous essays.
Summary since October up to this period (October 20th)
After the National Day holiday in October, I indulged in pleasure, watched short videos, played online games, masturbated, basically returning to the state before I started participating in the forum. During this time, I only read some articles on the forum, looked at the New People’s Square, and did not attend the reading club. Even if there were criticisms from comrades directed at me, I did not reflect deeply or think about transforming myself. Occasionally, I would get angry when I saw news about oppression by the bourgeoisie society, but afterwards I would go back to indulging in pleasure. My theoretical study also lagged behind, and I only resumed studying after a few days.
Currently, my state is to sympathize with the revolution, but I cannot let go of my petty bourgeois habits, and I dare not engage deeply in struggle, give up the parasitic life, or actively dedicate myself to the revolution. I even feel a bit afraid to work.
If I rely on my economic status to take spontaneous action, I can only be unwilling to pursue academic opportunism. However, if I want to actively struggle and dedicate myself to the revolution, I still need to accept new ideas and exert subjective initiative. Among my three classmates who have realized the nature of bourgeois society, they are also not very willing to pursue opportunism, but they would not give up college entrance exams for the revolution, nor would they actively struggle.
What exactly is the content that indulges in pleasure? It can’t just be dismissed with a casual excuse; try to analyze and critique it yourself. If you don’t delve deeper, everyone can’t help. Otherwise, indulging like this can easily lead people astray.
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It’s so embarrassing, I just played a game all morning, and now I’m feeling dizzy and not in the right mental state to analyze.
November Summary
This month, I gradually read some recommended must-reads from forums at school. However, I just read through them without much reflection, and although I thought about them during the process, I didn’t take any reading notes. I’ve never had this habit all along—perhaps because I haven’t taken theoretical learning seriously? I also read some revolutionary literature and art (there’s a movie called “Great Waves Washing Away Sand,” which tells the story of four progressive youths during the first Kuomintang-Communist cooperation’s Northern Expedition wave—some became Kuomintang counterrevolutionaries, some believed the future was bleak and lost faith in the revolution, while others became steadfast revolutionaries, participating in the Autumn Harvest Uprising initiated by instructors. I think this is quite similar to my current situation—either revolution, or no revolution, or counterrevolution).
During the weeks I wasn’t at school, besides attending reading clubs, I watched news, forum posts, and then scrolled through Douyin (some abstract, quirky videos, popular science, gaming, pets, Lolita videos), played games (Honor of Kings, Warframe, Arknights), and also masturbated. After the fervent period, I felt a lack of motivation, treating revolution as if it were just a family affair—seems like revolution can be picked up or put down at any time, which is really irresponsible. Moreover, I find it hard to connect my school life with the grand revolutionary cause, like thinking “Should I really go revolution? Is it real?” Am I too shortsighted?
As for my struggles at school, at the end of November, Lao Jiu (the homeroom teacher) used poor exam results as an excuse to strengthen dictatorship, allowing us to go out only once every three weeks (if staying at school, only six hours on weekend afternoons). This was a dictatorship rule he made up in the class. Since the homeroom teacher is somewhat controlling, with small pressures and offering small favors and material bribes, the classmates didn’t oppose much when the dictatorship intensified. Some even said, “Sorry for the kindness the teacher shows us.” At that time, I really felt I couldn’t unite to oppose the dictatorship. Later, I was irresponsible to my classmates, didn’t unite them, and didn’t speak out together (thinking that if I wanted dictatorship and learning at the same time, I wouldn’t bother with them). I later realized some classmates had complaints, but I didn’t unite them to resist—sigh! When I didn’t want to stay at school, I suppressed myself. I engaged in personal struggles because my academic performance was terrible, and I was opportunistic and not serious, so Lao Jiu didn’t bother much with me and let me go. During this period, two other things happened: one was Lao Jiu assigning meaningless Chinese essays for copying, only asking some students she thought had bad handwriting to copy, and the class monitor was very obedient (one of them even apologized to Lao Jiu). This homework was strictly enforced, and some students found it too formal and pointless, so they refused to do it. Lao Jiu then took them out to talk, which caused some resentment. I thought about uniting them to resist, but I only complained a few words and didn’t know how to speak out together. At that time, I was timid. Later, Lao Jiu canceled this homework, and that was the end of it. The other incident was during the class election for Youth League members, where I spoke briefly, saying that members should pay attention to news, study Marxism, and understand class struggle. I wonder if any classmates remembered that.
I still miss university very much, and I haven’t prepared to face long-term revolution. Honestly, I don’t want to take the college entrance exam; after graduating from high school, I want to work. I can’t even say it out loud or make promises. In November, I took a risky step, thinking that since I had registered for the college entrance exam, I could try to review at home. I told my parents and even brought up the uselessness of college, but they asked if I would drop out and go to work, or if I would study well at home. I was too afraid to say I wouldn’t indulge or that I would go to work, so I stammered and pretended to be disillusioned with studying. Now, my parents think I’m too anxious, have read some nonsense online, and are advising me to study hard and learn medicine. During this risky move, I didn’t reveal my political stance or my activity on forums. I only exposed my weakness—the face of a paper tiger. Without revolutionary ideas, there can be no revolutionary actions. I saw some posts on forums about success and thought I should fight a little too.
This is my summary for the past month. Right now, I find myself in an awkward state of being caught between.
I looked it up: “The Great Wave of Destruction” was already designated in 1966 as one of the “anti-revolutionary” films and “top ten toxic films” for “seriously distorting revolutionary history,” and was quickly banned from public screening.
Revolution is not only about real guns and battles; transforming your worldview in daily life is also a revolution, and one that should be more emphasized. Otherwise, you become a prisoner of the bourgeoisie, like those spiritual opiates of pleasure—aren’t they the ideological weapons used by the bourgeoisie against the proletariat and petty bourgeoisie? Persisting in eradicating bourgeois思想 (ideology) also takes effort; it is a revolution in the realm of思想 (thought), not something achieved overnight. Chairman Mao said, “There may be some Communists who have never been conquered by enemies wielding guns; they are worthy of the title of heroes in front of these enemies; but they cannot withstand the attack of sugar-coated bullets, and they will be defeated by candy bullets.” We should also insist on fighting against these low-level pleasures, guarding against them as we would a city, because victory over temptation is victory over the enemy.
Such a hellish schedule, what can you do in six hours?
What does this mean?
Why call yourself a paper tiger? You’re not a reactionary.
Are you already eighteen? If possible, you could consider working while reviewing at home. What are you worried about that makes you hesitant to promise? Honestly, university nowadays is quite corrupt; once inside, it’s easy to indulge in pleasures. Unless you can work part-time at school, which might be better. How do your parents feel about you going to university?
It just means that when you don’t want to stay at school, seeing someone else who also chooses not to stay can boost your confidence.
Haha, I just want to express my weakness.
Almost eighteen, just about three months left.
Well, I’m afraid that I might indulge myself completely if I stay at home, so I can’t guarantee that I will definitely go to work.
They hope I study hard at university, not necessarily very well, but to put in effort, be serious, and not let myself down.
October 20th
In the morning flag-raising ceremony, the school leaders once again used the blood of revolutionary martyrs to decorate the entrance. In their speech, they told students to combine personal opportunism with the development of the Zhongx society. There was no time to read during class, so I studied geography in classes with teachers. I think physical geography might come in handy (human geography is quite absurd).
In the evening, I heard that a teacher was injured, and some students went to help him. I was wondering, what is the forum’s analysis and attitude towards teachers’ class status? From elementary to middle school, I rarely encountered rebellious “Old Nine” (老九), so I have a pretty good impression of them. In high school, the proportion of rebellious “Old Nine” increased significantly. Although I dislike them, I haven’t reached the level of hostility or hatred. How about the reactionary nature of teachers? Can they be united? What are the fundamental economic roots of reactionism?
The “Old Nine” work eight hours a day, have paid vacations (they also need to prepare lessons, grade papers, and prevent crossing red lines, and being a homeroom teacher is even more exhausting). I said that being a teacher is easy, but a classmate rebutted me, saying teachers are also very hardworking.
October 21
Today I didn’t do much, just read a book, and this week we have exams again. I’m sure my grades will be very poor.
October 22nd
These days I have exams, so I take some time to read. Moreover, I’ve realized that I have little to talk about with A, B, and C these days. As for the students’ ideological struggles and reform, I myself am uncertain, let alone guiding them.
October 23rd
Exam
October 24th
In the evening, answers are reviewed. Students react differently based on their grades, but no matter how emotionally involved they are in an exam, they cannot change the fact that the petty bourgeoisie under the Zhongx society is continuously going bankrupt.