Just returned to school and saw the news weekly produced by Zhongxiu. The people featured are mostly petty bourgeoisie; aside from social news, there’s nothing much to watch. Afterwards, it was the evening self-study session that drags on. By the time I got back to the dormitory, it was already 11 p.m. The evening self-study was supposed to be for reading, but the head teacher kept doing something about student funding in the classroom, so I was designated to help along with a few other students. After that, there was no time left for reading. As for the small favors given by Zhongxiu, like poverty alleviation and student aid, there are always little pinks promoting slogans like “We are neither left nor right, we are moving forward.” I used to admire this kind of view (which is a sign of my detachment from practice). During this period, the head teacher bought some drinks to reward us. It made me think of the “good teachers” loved by students in school. These teachers often use gentler methods to cater to students’ opportunistic psychology, while also offering small favors to buy their loyalty. Yet, they still promote opportunism in academic pursuits, remaining helpers of Zhongxiu’s academic institutions. After finishing the aid work, only one class remained, so I wrote a diary entry.
In the morning, I was either sleeping or secretly reading. In the afternoon, I found that the school subscribed to an outside newspaper, so I took a look. It was full of content that glossed over the truth, but I could still learn some current social affairs. In the evening, after the reactionary Chinese teacher Lao Jiu vented his emotions at the students and called it the extremely reactionary phrase “beating is affection, scolding is love,” I looked through a selection of Ai Siqi’s lecture notes. I found that this edition was compiled in 1999, and the preface distorts history and praises the capitalist roaders. Can the content inside be trusted?
During the long break, I met A and B (they are people I knew before getting involved with the forum, along with C; all three of them know the fact that China is capitalist. A and B are in the same class, and C and I are in the same class, and we often communicate), A told me about the recent Yu Menglong incident, and B echoed beside him. I said that such things are nothing unusual under the rule of the Chinese revisionists (here I did not point out that only revolution can break the situation of being at others’ mercy, after all, they have not yet embraced revolutionary ideas; although they no longer engage in crazy academic opportunism, they still go with the flow). Just after finishing that conversation, class started, and I spent the whole morning secretly reading. I did not record the content of the afternoon and evening of that day. Also, my routine is to catch up on sleep before the long break (I only return to the dorm at 11 o’clock and get up at six something, very tired). During the long break, I look for A and B to communicate; during other breaks, I look for C. After the long break, I read in the morning, read in the afternoon, and still read at night, and sometimes point out the reactionary nature of certain things during exchanges with C.
Reading the newspaper, I saw that Zhongxiu wants to implement a Spring and Autumn holiday to stimulate consumption through students, as well as loan subsidies and housing purchase subsidies, all of which are futile struggles.
Because my academic performance has declined too quickly, the homeroom teacher talked to me again, wanting me to regain interest in speculation. He asked me the reason why my speculative mindset disappeared. I certainly couldn’t say the real reason, so I just gave some excuses like the pressure of employment and that it’s the same whether I work hard or not to brush it off. But he still said some things hoping to encourage me to speculate. Comrades, what should I do?
Because it rained during the big recess, I didn’t go to find A and B. The students in the classroom started browsing Douyin. The big data on this whiteboard’s Douyin mostly showed some “beautiful girls” and students, which shows that the students in every cohort are pretty much the same. I said that they were all like parasites, and then a classmate who likes reactionary 2D games got upset and said, “Isn’t humanity living on Earth also a form of parasitism?” I wanted to argue with him, but then he said something personally offensive and sulked by himself. Such a person with strange logic can’t even engage in theoretical discussion?
During the next recess, I went to talk with C about what just happened and some reactionary things I found at school. I told C that at the entrance of an advanced tutoring class in our grade, there was a sign promoting academic achievement, which described the purpose of studying as achieving personal liberation, and also belittled the great working people as mediocre and unproductive. It was truly disgusting. Moreover, I found that because the people in the advanced tutoring class generally have better academic performance, and with Old Nine promoting it, their fantasies are stronger, so it generally becomes a more corrupt hotbed of opportunism than ordinary classes.
I just remembered that I also have a post about my school diary. Initially, because of my fanaticism for petty bourgeoisie, I posted some school diary entries, but I saw that there wasn’t much discussion (this is also one of my manifestations of utilitarianism, not thinking about criticizing myself, but about attracting attention and seeking fame), so I didn’t update it anymore.
Now I feel that if I keep working in isolation like this, it will be hard to make progress, and I have returned to my previous hedonistic lifestyle. I need to struggle with my thoughts; if I only indulge in empty fantasies in my mind without practicing, it will ultimately be like water without a source. Such ideological struggles will then become easily discarded things in reality. Moreover, I have also written some miscellaneous essays, and I think it’s better to publish them.
Because I needed to make up classes, I went back to school early, but since I changed seats, I haven’t been able to read books comfortably. During the evening self-study session, with no teachers around, I secretly looked at a lesson book. Before the first class, the homeroom teacher (now the subject teacher) called me out for a talk, again mentioning my academic performance and trying to rekindle my interest in studying. Of course, that didn’t move me; I won’t say much about the same thing. Later, during a break, I saw someone drawing, so I thought of drawing Chairman Mao, based on the banknotes, and I kept drawing.
On the weekend, since there was no extended study session, I went to find A and B right after school. As soon as I found A and B, they started talking to me about the 8964 incident and the white paper protests. They had used VPNs to bypass the Great Firewall. I reminded them about internet security to avoid being caught by online police. While chatting, we also discussed the Foxconn incident in Zhengzhou. These events made us feel the authoritarian nature of the Chinese regime—blocking information and suppressing dissent. After hearing about these, A felt a bit down, so I encouraged him that people are gradually awakening. Later, I asked them, if a war breaks out in the future, what would you do? A said, “I have a worthless life, what can I do?” B didn’t say anything. Then the lights went out, and we had to stop the conversation for now.
In the morning, I was writing the diary I didn’t write last night. During the big break, I went to find AB. As soon as I entered the classroom, I saw A reading a novel, and B jokingly complaining about politics while studying social studies. When they saw me, they started chatting with me. I asked A, “If a war breaks out in the future and a revolutionary organization appears, what would you do?” He said: “If the organization is small, joining it would be tough and easily persecuted. How to organize a large one without missing anyone?”
The remaining time, I took every opportunity to read the books I printed myself.
This morning I seemed to catch a cold, feeling dizzy. I kept wanting to sleep but couldn’t rest well. When reading, I couldn’t concentrate. My new seatmate noticed that my grades haven’t been as good as before in these past few months and that my interest in studying has declined. He said: “Even if you can’t get into a top university, you should at least aim for a second-tier one,” or something like that. He believes it’s strange for students from exemplary high schools not to get into undergraduate universities. Even if you’re not diligent, you shouldn’t do such rare things. True revolutionaries never compromise with such trends; instead, they do revolutionary work with an anti-trend spirit. However, I didn’t argue with him; I was just arguing over trivial matters. After all, my own thoughts are hesitating between two paths: either undergo labor reform or indulge in university pleasures. (And I was thinking at the time about observing in university; in reality, a person who indulges every day and is detached from life and the grassroots will only drift further away from revolution, and it will be even harder to undergo labor reform in the future.) But now my thoughts haven’t been fully transformed yet. Going to work can only bring bad influences and cannot spread new ideas (in fact, working and constantly engaging with Marxism is much better for transformation than staying in school).
In the afternoon, I took a leave and went home. After checking my illness, I started watching short videos on my phone, indulging myself for a while, and I felt a bit regretful afterward. Then I looked at some forums and comics, and then I went to sleep (I’ve gotten used to a life of indulgence. Whenever I have free time, after browsing forums for a while, I want to do something else but don’t know what, so I just scroll through Douyin. Do any of you have good suggestions for the forum community?)
In the morning, I returned to school, and during the flag-raising ceremony during the big break, the school leaders gave a speech. I chatted with C about 8964 and the white paper incident. After listening, C frowned and looked a bit downcast, thinking that the army had been deployed to suppress the protests. Will there still be soldiers sympathizing with our revolution in future revolutions? I am not very clear about the army’s stance during the Chinese renovation period either. What changes have occurred in the People’s Liberation Army since the restoration? I haven’t read any articles on this topic.
After that, I didn’t read any books. In the last class of the afternoon, the homeroom teacher asked me to talk to the school counselor. I explained to the counselor that my declining grades were my own consideration and that I was responsible for myself. The conversation then ended. It’s really tedious.
Welcoming can make the daily happenings and your thoughts and attitudes towards various things more detailed and specific, so that everyone can better understand your situation.
Only some diaries from October, I didn’t write anymore afterward. Some confrontational incidents also happened at school, which I recorded, but at that time I thought I was doing it myself (working in isolation), so I didn’t tell everyone on the forum.
Tonight or tomorrow I will find a time to post it, just some issues where students’ rights are being harmed, and we can try to unite and fight. But I backed down at the time, just focusing on my own struggle, to prevent my rights from being deprived. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have a chance to come out during the weekend.
