My Debauched Thoughts and Current Situation Revealed:
Below, I will expose and criticize my reactionary pornographic thoughts, bourgeois individualism and liberalism thoughts, and my current situation.
The purpose of writing this article is as follows:
First, to publicly disclose my debauched thoughts and practices here for everyone to learn from, criticize, and be warned by as a negative example.
Second, I hope that through the process based on the first point, I can gain a deeper understanding of my debauched thoughts so that I can better fight and break away from them.
Third, to conduct a relatively comprehensive and thorough reckoning of my past despicable self and my current less despicable self.
PS: Regarding memories, I may have some unclear recollections, so some descriptions might be somewhat confusing; please forgive me.
Reactionary Pornographic Thoughts
Every thought arises inevitably from contact with related things in reality. The germination of my pornographic thoughts probably began before I was ten years old. I was exposed to the internet around age three, initially fascinated by online games (which I will further criticize later in the context of individualism and liberalism). Even now, I have not completely shaken off their influence (e.g., Dou Dizhu).
Before middle school, my attitude toward online games was very frivolous; I wanted to try all games extensively, so I kept searching and playing games, quickly losing interest in each after a few tries. Moreover, when I couldn’t pass some game levels, I would look up walkthroughs. During this searching, I accidentally clicked on pornographic websites (more precisely, pornographic videos on iQIYI, which at that time were not strictly regulated). I was very curious about such behavior (sexual behavior), so I watched over 40 minutes of a one-hour video, later discovered and stopped by my mother.
Later, in elementary school, starting from first grade, classmates sometimes told dirty jokes (most of these jokes were heard from older students; sometimes unsubstantiated dirty rumors spread among students, between students and teachers, and among teachers). Sometimes, my father would make dirty jokes when talking with me (our relationship became strained starting in middle school) and instill fascist male chauvinism and patriarchal thoughts, such as men being naturally stronger than women, men should protect women, women are just vases, and so on (these reactionary remarks were just the tip of the iceberg; his reactionary views also involved social Darwinism, metaphysics and vulgar dialectics, subjective idealist sophistry).
Combining such fascist remarks with the coquettish and male-dependent behaviors and words of some female characters in the games I played (somewhat like card and faction games), my thoughts subconsciously equated women with toys. Sometimes he took me out to meet his so-called friends, most of whom were either petty bourgeois or wealthy capitalists. Whenever the topic of women arose, they never regarded women as a laboring group in society nor showed basic respect, but treated women as canaries caged in their own cages, flowers in their vases, tools for venting desires.
Under these influences, my reactionary thoughts reached their first peak in second grade when I molested female classmates. Later, I treated such molestation as routine, basically groping anyone I saw like a hooligan. At that time, my inner thoughts were very reactionary, thinking, “What’s the big deal about touching? It won’t cause any harm.” This shows that I completely regarded women as sexual tools. Eventually, my behavior caused extremely bad consequences, and after struggles by the female classmates and their parents, my extremely reactionary molestation was stopped. However, the result was that I received no punishment, only one or two written reflections, and I was never suspended.
Afterward, my evil intentions did not die. Since I couldn’t molest, I turned to reading reactionary pornographic literature, telling dirty jokes, and fantasizing about female students with well-developed bodies or good looks, treating them as sexual tools and objects of fantasy, without normal communication. In my eyes, they were almost purely objects for desire release. Moreover, I had a crush on a female classmate (purely lustful, a petty bourgeois view of love, treating women as tools for desire release). After an unsuccessful confession, I secretly slandered and spread rumors about her (similar phenomena occurred in middle school). Fortunately, these did not cause serious consequences and I was criticized in time.
In elementary school, I not only read pornographic literature but also created reactionary pornographic works (writing erotic poems in notebooks), motivated by private fantasies. When my father discovered this, instead of criticizing, he encouraged me, saying my writing was good?
Thus, my reactionary pornographic thoughts were firmly established in elementary school. Later, my pornographic thoughts and behaviors included reading pornographic literature (e.g., “Yuan x Kong”, “Feng x Ling”), masturbation (starting in 2020, which had a very bad impact on me), and fantasizing about real women around me or female characters in pornographic or suggestive games or anime.
Pornographic thoughts themselves are highly reactionary because they reflect fascist male chauvinism and patriarchal ideas that deeply oppress women, such as viewing women only as sexual tools or domestic slaves. Such thoughts can lead to fantasies, voyeurism, slander, dirty jokes about women, and even molestation and rape. Therefore, pornographic thoughts and the phenomena and behaviors they cause must be severely criticized and combated. Otherwise, society will be filled with hypocrites who preach morality but are corrupt in private.
Bourgeois Individualism and Liberalism Thoughts
Every thought arises inevitably from contact with related things in reality. My liberal and individualist thoughts were influenced by my family environment, social interactions, and my own practices.
Initially, my liberal and individualist thoughts were related to online games. I started playing games early (at age 3). The first games were reactionary 4399 mini-games, then more fixed games like Honor of Kings, CSGO, etc. Through my reactionary gaming practices, I gradually developed a somewhat concrete but essentially liberal thought: Why can I freely control characters in games but not freely achieve certain goals or accomplishments in real life? (Though even in games, achievements were hard to get.) Why must real-life goals be achieved through extremely tortuous processes? What meaning do such goals have? Why can’t they be easily obtained? Moreover, socializing with petty bourgeois people was full of intrigue and personal attacks even during games, which exhausted me. When I shared these thoughts with petty bourgeois around me, they tempted me to give up struggle. Thus, under this environment and my reactionary thoughts, I gradually sank into a corrupt, almost addict-like lifestyle.
With these ideas and many unreasonable oppressions in real life, my life trajectory became very chaotic. I lost interest in my originally enthusiastic studies and gradually developed a hedonistic mindset. This was manifested in behaviors like playing games and speculative studying; any task requiring what I considered a long time (more than a day) or much effort, I would give up halfway, often shortly after starting. Over time, even online games became boring because they also required “effort” to gain “achievements.” The idea of getting something for nothing dominated my mind. I became very negative about life, indifferent, afraid of communication (because discussions would lead to disputes, which I considered time-consuming and exhausting), and wished life would end quickly. I became extremely selfish, ignorant, and numb.
Except for tasks imposed by my parents and the “ninth elder brother” or some unjust oppression (later I was too lazy even to do these tasks, only wanting debauchery), my parents and the ninth elder brother did not take strong measures but only mild criticisms, indulging my addict-like behavior. I escaped reality and killed time through short videos and mini-games, which have shorter “effort” and “reward” cycles (eventually I gave up mini-games too). Later, even short videos became boring; only behaviors that gave immediate stimulation (e.g., speeding, masturbation, fantasizing about fights with body movements) interested me.
Eventually, I couldn’t concentrate on reading books for more than about 30 minutes; my mind drifted to short videos, pornography, mini-games. The same happened with online classes; attention span was no more than 20 minutes. I feared real struggles and passively responded to setbacks and oppression, e.g., not caring whether I got my high school diploma.
Long hours of sitting and lying down playing on my phone, masturbation (once a week, sometimes twice a day), lack of regular exercise (at worst, over ten hours daily on my phone), and irregular diet and sleep caused hemorrhoids, varicose veins, nearly -1000 diopter glasses, and varying degrees of shoulder and neck strain at a young age. I developed hunchback, breathing difficulties, poor attention span, and extremely weak endurance and strength. My perception of women became increasingly distorted, eventually fantasizing about anyone I saw (ages roughly 7 to 70).
My Current Situation
Above, I mentioned the extremely bad effects of reactionary pornographic thoughts and liberal and individualist thoughts on me. Next, I will discuss my ongoing struggle over the past two years with Marxism to repeatedly overthrow and resist my erroneous thoughts. My corrupt behavior only began to improve slightly in recent months after encountering Marxism, and even then, it was a struggle of repeated setbacks and recoveries. In the year before that, although I added some studying to my debauchery, I did not persist; after finishing “Outline of Dialectical Materialism,” I never finished any Marxist-Leninist works again and remained addicted to my addict-like lifestyle, a typical leftist circle hypocrite who only shouts slogans but takes no action.
The turning point came a few months ago when family arranged for me to work in a factory for a while. During that time, my lifestyle and thoughts changed; after working, I no longer immersed myself in the addict-like life. Through some casual conversations with female workers, my view of women subtly changed (no longer seeing women purely as powerless sexual tools but as a laboring group in society). After leaving the factory and continuing to live parasitically at home, I did not fully revert to my previous corrupt lifestyle, constantly struggling against my reactionary thoughts and behaviors, mostly in a very confused state. Also, a comrade introduced me to the Proletarian Liberation Struggle Forum, where members like mi-mang, Herbert B., and Red Art shared their struggles and learning experiences, inspiring me to be dissatisfied with my current state and to fight to overcome my reactionary thoughts and bad habits. Most forum members are my role models.
Currently, the negative aspects are that I still find it hard to concentrate on reading, losing focus after about 30 minutes, thinking about the forum, the future, going out, and family (these “thoughts” are like a drunkard’s fantasies, forgotten after a while). I remain numb to struggles in life, though I think about working in a factory, I still avoid real struggles (criticized by Fenghuo), fear oppression and exploitation, and am afraid to fight back. I am numb to most things in reality. My daily life is chaotic with no clear goals, doing whatever comes to mind. Even when I have clear goals, I often fail or give up due to petty bourgeois laziness, almost stagnating. My sleep schedule is irregular, falling asleep anywhere from 22:00 to 4:00. A few days ago, I still engaged in pornographic literature and masturbation; I even bought a masturbator (a few months ago, still have it, planning to discard it soon to break with my reactionary thoughts). I am mostly numb to reactionary remarks and thoughts encountered in short videos and reality, rarely feeling hatred. Sometimes I indulge in debauchery for hours, wasting a lot of time.
Positive progress includes that after recent struggles, I have almost completely avoided reactionary pornographic, violent literature, and debauchery (though I do not rule out future setbacks). My method of avoidance is silently counting and doing skill-based exercises, reciting red books to replace time spent on such literature. I have started doing gymnastics to strengthen my body and willpower (half an hour daily), set short-term goals, and force myself to complete them as a responsibility.
I plan to find factory work soon to end my months-long parasitic life.
(That’s all for now; I will add more if I recall anything.)
