Just take this post as a serialized diary
Diary of April 1st
I read that article about Zhang Qiujun successfully removing a giant tumor. I am very longing for a society depicted where all people are comrades. A sentence from Chairman Mao reminded me: If you want to solve this problem, then go and understand its current state and history. I began to trace the roots of my individualism, and I thought again that human understanding can only come from social practice.
I remembered my naive good-hearted view as a child: Why do people fight each other? Wouldn’t peaceful coexistence be more conducive to development? But after various grievances, as you all said, this concept was changed through social practice. I thought of all the grievances I suffered, pondered their roots, and found that without exception, they reflected the class contradictions you criticized in me.
I felt increasingly unfair, you all criticized correctly, and I felt deeply deceived. I felt I was betrayed and was still helping others count money.
Firstly, my parents instilled in me the path of winning and individualism, with a strong feudal hierarchical thought. I remembered that I liked asking questions as a child: many interesting questions. But once my parents, with their vulgar understanding, couldn’t answer, they would tell me to just study hard. Why ask so many questions? As long as I study well and go to university, I will have a bright future, because my father was the first in his family to go to university, and my mother’s younger brother was selected through university to work for the Chinese修正主义 (Reformist) government (Communist Party member), becoming a wealthy worker aristocrat. So they hoped I would become successful through studying, which made me very ambitious. Then they used video games to control me; I was only allowed to play after completing my homework. I only studied to keep playing games, which is why I didn’t do my homework during winter and summer vacations later, because it took up my gaming time. During this process, I became extremely selfish. At that time, I read Ming Dynasty stories and even wanted to learn the art of厚黑学 (Thick Black Theory, manipulative tactics for personal gain). This process was oppressed by族权 (clan power) and神权 (divine authority).
Secondly, the school should reflect the oppression of the regime. I was confused by the socialist core values for twelve years in school (which have nothing to do with socialism and haven’t been realized). I was also told various distorted histories and black-and-white reversal speeches, the most typical being Liu Shaoqi’s “wrong case” in middle school textbooks, which was not wrongful at all, and the so-called rectification of chaos, the idea that practice is the only criterion for testing truth, all tricks of revisionism. I listened and was told every day to study hard and make progress every day. In fact, this so-called studying alienated me from practice and the masses, creating a mentality of superiority over the working people, which became even more obvious after entering university.
Here is the first grievance: When I was just in first grade, I was a little kid playing every day. Once, when I was running, I bumped into another kid, and we both clenched fists and confronted each other before class. I went back home, but after school, I was kept by the head teacher, who said I made that kid bleed and slandered me in front of everyone. Actually, we didn’t fight at all. I cried bitterly, and that kid even sneered with a twisted mouth. (This established my distrust of others.) My dad came to pick me up. I repeatedly told him I didn’t hit that kid, but he just listened, and after I stopped crying, he took me home. (This might reflect his submissive attitude; he had a few pencil lead marks on his right arm, which I guess were signs of bullying.) The key was later I learned from my mom that the neighboring class teacher targeted me because she had a son who was jealous. My mom said the kindergarten teacher kept bragging that I was smart (I guess my mom is also partly responsible).
It’s obvious that socialist China shouldn’t have such things.
And I also did a bad thing. I often regret it and feel very upset. It was probably in second grade. There was a shy classmate whom everyone liked to bully. Once, he took a plastic toy to school, similar to a Transformer. I forcibly took it for a month, claiming I would borrow it, and I still keep it at home. I was born bad because I knew he wouldn’t tell the teacher, so I stole his thing. After this, he soon stopped coming to school. I really wanted to cut myself after this.
Most of the criticisms I received I think you all criticized correctly and well, very well, criticizing the bourgeois思想 (ideology), individualism, and liberalism in me. Overcorrected.
I want to tell you a few things to criticize: one is I saw a part in Cao Wenxuan’s “Thatched Cottage” that slandered the land reform, saying an old couple saved money all their lives just to buy a few acres of land from landlords, and right after buying it, it was taken away by land reform, and the old man died, and the old lady kept demanding to get the land back (that’s roughly it, not clear now, but I think it’s nonsense; how could such poor peasants be forced into this?). Could you write an article criticizing writers like Cao Wenxuan? (And: urge for “Dawn” to update). Another is Ai Yuejin. I watched his five-hour video about the Cultural Revolution (YouTube) and was moved by Chairman Mao, which led me to keep looking for true Marxists like you. I say Mao’s direction is the direction I follow (but I still want to argue with you in arts and literature, not here). But I am unsure about what aspects of Ai Yuejin should be criticized.
Finally, I want to tell you that today I am participating in the political theory study of the Chinese修正主义 (Reformist) regime (weekly), and I feel really disgusting and uncomfortable. Everyone is not serious about studying, just playing games or watching videos as a formality. Today, I watched half of “The Public Enemy” and honestly felt quite happy. Seeing Liu Shaoqi and Deng Xiaoping’s counterrevolutionary faces being harshly criticized by the Tsinghua group was very satisfying. I even couldn’t send it out to some QQ groups (obviously, the AI detected the content; I also had some posts about “Dawn” that were deleted when I showed others).