[Long-term update] Mi_Mang's school life diary (updated to March 29)

free discussion
1

Background summary: Mother went back to her hometown to transfer the house, so she was not at home from Monday (March 24) to Friday morning (March 28). To continue her control and counter-revolutionary dictatorship (more on this later), she asked me to go to my childhood friend’s house for meals this week and sent his father to monitor me at home.
Also: I am a second-year middle school student, about to face the high school entrance exam.

March 25

Because today my childhood friend’s father was at home, I couldn’t read his personality, so I was very nervous and alert, which kept me from sleeping well all night. When he called me to get up at 6:10, I was drowsy. I wanted to lie in bed, but considering my “face” (reputation), I didn’t do it and got up immediately. I want to elaborate here: I always behave and speak very properly in front of outsiders, creating an image of “gentlemanly” manners and polite language. The reason is that I can’t let go of my pride, I am good at petty bourgeois vulgar socializing, and I want to leave a “good impression” on others. Also, because I still have remnants of romantic ideas, establishing a persona is a way for me to attract others. (And I used to think this method was respectful to women!)
6:25 Leave the house, my childhood friend’s father walks with me for a while. To pretend to be a “normal” petty bourgeois student, I proactively talk about my academic investment, mainly about the recent monthly exam and the opportunistic classmates at school. Soon we reached my friend’s house, and he parted from me. But as I was walking, I met a classmate, who is among the top opportunists, asking about my exam results and asking me to copy his homework.
7:00 Arrive at school. Unexpectedly, from today until the high school entrance exam, half of the morning time is allocated to review for the high school entrance exam, which shows the school’s crazy enforcement of opportunistic studying. My current view on opportunistic academic investment is: because I have been cozying up to Lao Jiu and my parents during counter-revolutionary activities, I am now under strict surveillance by Lao Jiu and am a key monitored target. Against this background, I plan to gradually (considering that impulsiveness might attract great attention and ruin everything) reduce my time and energy spent on opportunistic studying, and devote more to ideological reform.
8:00~10:00 Boring geography, math, English! I dozed off for about half an hour.
10:00~10:20 Run exercise + rest. Today’s run was as crazy as usual (running 5 laps on a 300m track within 10 minutes, with the remaining 10 minutes in the classroom). The third-year students have already started to show signs of resistance, deliberately opposing the running instructor, resulting in being subjected to dictatorship and adding two more laps.
10:20~11:05 The most absurd class—Taoist law class. It was about fulfilling obligations legally, which sounded quite beautiful, talking about the importance of fulfilling obligations (from the previous class, including military service and tax obligations). It was very rebellious, making people feel like pawns in a bureaucratic system. The questions involved a story about Xiao Liang’s father being a private entrepreneur and his mother a national People’s Congress delegate, portraying official capitalism and emphasizing happiness and struggle. Lao Jiu gave an example I didn’t understand (additional: actually, I was confused, and my thoughts wavered!). Seeing these examples, my thoughts of surrender rose again. It felt like two people arguing in my mind: one questioning whether the proletariat is truly suffering, thinking perhaps the revolution isn’t worth it; the other recalling scenes from “Yesterday,” where the proletariat is suffering, and revolutionary intellectuals should suffer with them. After repeating these thoughts, I gradually strengthened my confidence, although I know this might happen repeatedly. I decided to pick up my books and relearn the theory. The class also raised questions about the police sealing fake propaganda live streams and arresting fake broadcasters—are they for stability or just for bonuses like distant-water fishing companies? They can’t be so kind-hearted.
11:15~12:00 Boring music class. Listening to bourgeois music, analyzing bourgeois music, and appreciating bourgeois music. Socialist art only makes up a small part, like “Shandan Dandan Blooming Bright” in the music textbook.
12:00~13:20 Eating and sleeping, nothing to write. But a male classmate’s pants were accidentally pulled off during a fight, and other boys kept making vulgar jokes, which was very disgusting.
13:30~14:15 PE class. I want to accuse this capitalist school of stupidity! They made us run five laps for “warm-up” and kept practicing basketball without stopping, just like that for a whole class! When returning to the classroom, I was trembling!
14:25~18:10 Mainly boring classes, running exercises, nothing to write. Chinese class analyzing Asimov’s popular science articles, discussing various descriptive techniques in expository writing, which is so detached from reality that it reminds me of a movie scene about “the function of a tail.”
18:15 End of school!
18:35 Arrive at my childhood friend’s house for dinner. Today was even more rebellious; my friend seemed like a slave, and his parents were the slave owners. Their treatment of me was vastly different from how they treated him! Dinner was grilled meat, and his mother pointed all skewers at me, with the sharp ends facing him! The most terrifying part was that my friend seemed to be used to it… Strangely, I saw “Communist Reading for Children” on the bookshelf, which I doubt is a good book published by the “Chinese-style” revision. I flipped through it, and it looked like a fairy tale, with the author avoiding words like “class struggle.”
19:00 Finished dinner. My friend’s father followed me home, took medicine (I have a cold), then did homework. Nothing else to do, went to bed at midnight.
image

3 Likes
2

March 26

Today, as usual, I attended school according to yesterday’s schedule, so I will only write about things I find worth mentioning.
First, in biology class, we did a few questions and then checked the answers. At this moment, a classmate (he is quite obsessed with academic achievement, always completing his homework “quality and quantity” at school, but because his grades fluctuate, he is often targeted by Lao Jiu) had different answers for a fill-in-the-blank question compared to Lao Jiu, so he raised his hand to ask Lao Jiu if his answer was correct. However, when biology Lao Jiu saw the question, he got furious immediately, stopped him, and said, “If every one of you raises your hand and has different answers from me, do I have to listen to each one?”
Regarding this matter, I think it reflects the reactionary nature of bourgeois academicism. I thought of what Lenin said in “The Tasks of the Komsomol”:

In such schools, it is less about educating the young generation of workers and peasants, and more about training them in accordance with bourgeois interests. The purpose of educating these youths is to train useful servants for the bourgeoisie, enabling them to generate profits for the bourgeoisie without disturbing their peace and leisure.

Today’s youth are being trained in schools to become the dogs needed by the bourgeoisie. Teachers only need to treat the textbook content as dogma, using exam-oriented strategies to learn, and whatever Lao Jiu teaches for exams, claiming it’s “for the students’ future,” but in reality, it’s just to prevent students from having different opinions. This gradually smooths out students’ edges, making them only dare to follow rules, not question, and not express their own opinions. This way of not daring to struggle is exactly what the middle school revision (中修) needs. They most want to see students become dead readers, reading dead books, not thinking about whether the principles in the textbooks are correct, just holding onto the books as dogma, turning students into slaves. This is the奴化 (enslavement) of students.

March 27 note: Yesterday’s diary outline was indeed rough, not much was written, and I forgot what prominent events happened yesterday. This was a mistake, and the cause of my ideological decline may lie in these forgotten things. I will correct this in the future.

March 27

Today is Thursday, and I expect my mother to return in two days. Last night, I carefully thought about my problems and only slept at 1 a.m., so I didn’t get out of bed this morning and almost fell.
When I arrived at the classroom, a classmate said to me, "Hey, xx, do you know? Next week, we eighth graders will start learning工 (gong, work in factories)!” I was very surprised—learning工? Really going to factories? I doubted it, since education under capitalism is disconnected from production practice. I also silently worried that the connection with the organization might be temporarily cut off, which would be bad if I stayed there.
After English class, the class teacher officially announced: from March 31 to April 3, we will go to high school (not factories, called learning工, but actually doing unrelated things) to learn工, without staying there, just returning home at night. I heaved a sigh of relief, at least I can continue to stay connected with the organization and persist in reform.
Because of learning工, all classes next week are suspended. But since we are about to face the information middle school entrance exam (in 19 days), the class teacher and Lao Jiu agreed to let us have two information classes today. The information class covers Python, Word, Excel, PPT, and basic computer knowledge, but the middle school education is too rotten and backward. The complaints:

  • The software we use for exams is still Office 2010, disconnected from current production.
  • The exam on the three套 (set) of office tools is just system-assigned questions, which students do on their own, setting things up, turning the information class into exam-oriented education. Students only need to memorize dogma to score high.

There are more technical issues that I won’t list one by one.
During class, Lao Jiu said some shocking words: “If you can’t get into high school, your future prospects are ruined, are you going to work in factories? Look at how worthless, poor, and low-status workers are now.” “I am helping you change your fate, so listen to me carefully, okay?” Hearing these clearly reactionary words, and recalling my reflection yesterday, I suddenly understood: I was still holding onto illusions about opportunistic academic achievement, so I was willing to be a学贼 (academic thief) for Lao Jiu and parents, hoping that being a学贼 could bring benefits to me. But the way I was begging and flattering was ugly—either to show off to the middle school revision or to Lao Jiu and parents. In fact, it brought no benefit to me at all (once my value was exhausted, I was replaced, and I truly felt this when I tried to get closer to Lao Jiu in math). It also helped the evil, making classmates (especially childhood friends) suffer in water and fire, and it also showed反革命 (counterrevolutionary) forces that I am a very obedient dog, increasing their exploitation and oppression of me (doing Lao Jiu’s work, which only increased). It seems I can protect myself and get praise from my master, but in reality, things are worse. I am also under the oppression of Confucian parents and exploited by Lao Jiu. I am acting as a学贼 (academic thief)—what kind of behavior is this? I am just a person who has been sold, foolishly helping others count money, and helping him deceive others.
Therefore, I will gradually give up opportunistic academic achievement. First, I will resign from my Chinese class representative position and stop deceiving comrades, using double-dealing tactics.
Second, I plan to help my childhood friend break free from her reactionary Confucian family while reforming my own thoughts. At least I will contact her, maybe invite her out on weekends to see her attitude and thoughts.

Back to the information class. A bored classmate nearby opened the Genshin Impact webpage, downloaded Genshin Impact, and started playing. I noticed his expression was completely ferocious, with a lecherous gaze, staring at the thighs and breasts of 二次元 (2D) characters. I thought, this is the best embodiment of a bottom-tier man. He even asked me if I wanted to join, but I refused—truly against the heavens. But this also proves the spiritual emptiness and淫乐 (leisure and lust) seriousness of current petty-bourgeois students. Now I will talk about my own淫乐 (leisure and lust) issues. Every day I open Bilibili, see recommended videos of bourgeois music, and click to watch and listen, making my spirit more and more empty. When I do anything, I always think of this music. Also, I can’t concentrate on reading, often zoning out and imagining scenes of myself fighting heroically against Lao Jiu and parents (which is actually just imagination because I dare not fight). Third, I am somewhat attracted to虚拟歌姬 (virtual singers), and I also click on new songs of virtual singers.

Back to the main topic. In the afternoon, the class teacher talked to the senior class monitor and vice monitor about the requirements for leading the研学 (study tour). First, avoid conflicts. If conflicts occur, suppress them first, don’t let them erupt, and handle them with the class teacher and grade director at noon (I guess they will be suppressed). Then, we need to show our school’s style, to bring honor to the school—these are nonsense. The school only cares about itself, not the students’ lives. Last year, I didn’t participate in the study tour because of the hot weather, but only after classmates returned did I learn that, in order to “show the school’s style,” the school required students to walk 13 kilometers to the study site (the Lao Jiu’s took cars or private cars), and 15 or 16 students suffered heatstroke. Thinking of this now, I still feel angry.
Finally, I went to my childhood friend’s house for dinner. She has already been brainwashed by opportunistic academic achievement… We talked about opportunism when we met… I tested her views on Chairman Mao; her answer was very typical: she thought the Cultural Revolution was a disaster and doubted socialism. I think she might be sliding towards liberalism.
That’s all.

3

Entonces, ¿qué se supone que hace el trabajo escolar?

5

Learning image processing (actually just photo editing), electronic DIY, creative programming, woodworking, etc., are all types of small-scale production.

1 Like
6

I want to know what kind of bourgeois music it specifically is. Just saying it like this is too abstract, and I don’t know what mimang likes about this music or where their preferences lie. It should be analyzed in more detail; otherwise, I can’t understand the reactionary thoughts behind their liking of bourgeois art and literature, and it won’t be possible to correct it. Also, doesn’t mimang have other lowbrow interests or hobbies? The things you mentioned here are bourgeois music or virtual singers. What about videos, games, and other situations? Since Genshin Impact was mentioned, does mimang ever reminisce about secondary characters or similar things?

8

You can take a look at my reply to the red art, which should have answered your questions.

14

For this kind of statement, you can ask her in detail what happened during the CR period, then use logic and your knowledge of CR history to refute her, but the premise is that you must be very familiar with CR history and Marxism, and then tell her that it is incorrect that children in Chinese society today absolutely obey their parents.

1 Like
15

Okay, okay, but as Hong Shu said, I’ll first close the distance between me and my childhood friend and then slowly introduce these things. She seems to have little interest in politics.

16

The reason I feel this way is still because of confusion and knowing too little about what’s around me. Staying at school all day, and my family has little relation to workers. Not having contact with the proletariat naturally makes me not think about how hard they suffer. I suggest mimang pay more attention to current affairs; some news websites about guild socialism often showcase examples of worker struggles. Although their stance isn’t correct, they are still good material.

1 Like
17

I don’t know how the policies for the physical education exams are like in your place, but you can tell everyone. Based on my middle school experience, the reason why the ninth grade is so strict about PE is because PE counts towards the exam score.

18

I have read all the political comments on the forum, which strengthened my confidence that the proletarian revolution is inevitable. I indeed need to read more news to broaden my horizons; staying in the ivory tower is no longer acceptable.

4

Mimang’s diary has a problem, which is that it talks too little about his own living habits and ideological state. It’s okay to talk about the things he encounters at school, but the core should be his own life and thoughts. For example, here:

You can talk about what specific content you usually watch on Bilibili and how long you spend, and while you mention being interested in virtual singers, you should think about where their reactionary nature lies and criticize them from a political perspective. Otherwise, if you only expose and don’t reflect, you won’t reach a high level of ideological struggle, and you’ll just keep reminiscing about indulgence.
I want to ask if you tend to zone out during class, if you indulge in various pleasures, and how you specifically use your break time; whether you make friends at school, how your relationships are with those around you, and whether you have contacted or helped the classmate who was bullied before… These can reflect your real life situation because just experiencing things, other classmates do too. I think the main issue is that your diary mainly records some relatively big events you see in daily life, but it doesn’t serve to constantly supervise your living habits and ideological state.
And one more thing:

I think you shouldn’t talk directly to her about Chairman Mao. Political matters are generally seen by petty-bourgeois people as distant and unimportant, and you should start from aspects of life that are closer to her and you. It’s not that you can’t discuss politics, but the most urgent issue now is that you haven’t communicated for a long time, you’re too unfamiliar, and you previously liked to pursue academic opportunism, so she wouldn’t want to open up to you. You can expose the oppression in school, talk about hobbies, share your daily life, and even ask why she wants to “improve her grades” so much. Only by increasing mutual understanding and familiarity can she be willing to communicate with you.
Moreover, if you start by talking about Mao Zedong right away, most people will find it inexplicable and view such topics with vulgar eyes (treating history and politics as unserious hobbies). In fact, if you think from her perspective, we are all petty-bourgeois who haven’t transformed our thoughts; before recognizing Marxism, we didn’t understand these things and were all naive. The Chinese revisionists distort history, manipulate public opinion, and the family, school, and society oppress her. Her past practical experiences have led her to have a narrow worldview and not understand what capitalism is, what socialism is, or the truth about the Cultural Revolution, etc. These are all normal. You can’t just call her a liberal because she doesn’t understand. From what I understand now, rather than calling her a liberal, it’s more accurate to say she’s a petty-bourgeois student misled by reactionary education, who doesn’t understand or care about social reality and history, only interested in academic opportunism. Liberals slandering Chairman Mao as a “tyrant” have political motives—they want to overthrow the Communist Party and take power themselves. She seems to genuinely not understand these things.
Also, when do you plan to invite your childhood friend out?
And be alert to the emergence of romantic ideas, and beware of using the banner of Marxism to seduce women.

2 Likes
7

Thank you for your suggestions. First of all, I indeed wrote this kind of diary that should be about my own life and thoughts into a simple petty bourgeois record-keeping diary. After thinking about it, I realize I do have suspicions of concealing my personal ideological state (because I tend to procrastinate when writing my diary late at night and only roughly note my problems), so I cannot carry out struggles. I will write more about my life outside school and my views.

Usually, I watch Bilibili first of all to watch videos that reminisce about the socialist period or compare the socialist period with the present. Most of these videos are accompanied by gufeng DJ music and are mainly aimed at petty bourgeois who are dissatisfied with reality, that is “online left”. (In arts and literature, I still stay in the left circle, only knowing to hate the reality to death without seeking a way out or struggle, staying in endless nostalgia for the past without theory.) Second, I listen to bourgeois pure music, such as “daylight” and “Chengnan flowers are in bloom,” and also music by virtual singers: Luo Tianyi’s “Spring Breeze Comes,” and Shian’s “Utopia,” mainly these two. The former “Spring Breeze Comes” talks about the protagonist choosing to believe that “tomorrow will come” after experiencing friends killing each other, advocating passive struggle, reform, and hope in an abstract tomorrow. “Utopia” advocates that petty bourgeois students oppressed (depressed, etc.) should give up even passive struggle—suicide—and live on in despair. Virtual singers satisfy the male’s色情思想 (pornographic thoughts) towards women (I did masturbation to Luo Tianyi during counter-revolution), and also satisfy the needs of the petty bourgeois who criticize the middle class, advocating reform, canceling struggle, and limiting petty bourgeois to “a good life” (often the rotten capitalist exploitation life praised by the bourgeois), in their own small territory, which is a toxic weed harming youth. Realizing this, I also wake up and believe I should take a firm stance against virtual singers. Due to my worldview not being fully transformed, I still think bourgeois pure music melodies are pleasant, and although I know I should actively listen to and appreciate socialist art, I still think “too monotonous and overly righteous,” and “don’t want to listen,” which reflects the idea of multi-faceted characters in art. It shows I still believe in bourgeois human nature theory, which is undeniable, and also the reasons of seeking comfort and parasitism. Third, I watch silly videos of Nestlé and others, which are filled with male-male humor (men touching men’s legs and making lewd jokes) and 二次元 (second dimension, anime/manga), using boring petty bourgeois memes to immerse people in low-level趣味 (interest). For example, Xiao Ming’s bad meme “My dad got MVP!” is used in his videos, along with male chauvinist ideas. One episode mentions not discriminating against goblins who watch二次元 (anime), implying that watching二次元 is correct and should be openly accepted in front of women, thus justifying oppression of women. Occasionally, he discusses superficial phenomena of capitalism (not critique), such as “people tend to listen to well-looking people and ignore others,” rooted in色情思想 (pornographic thoughts) and bourgeois worldview, but his videos do not analyze class, only superficial criticism. Moreover, Nestlé runs a studio and profits from these videos, himself being bourgeois, so most viewers are petty bourgeois who watch for entertainment. I also like to watch entertainment, so I follow each of his videos. But after analyzing all this, I realize that watching his videos does not help my ideological transformation at all, and it even deepens my恋爱思想 (romantic love ideas) and oppresses women. These low-level趣味s cannot strengthen my transformation but make me indulge in various memes and淫乐 (leisure in淫色, lewd pleasure). His videos should be stopped. I spend fragmented time on Bilibili, mostly watching videos when I am not participating in organized activities.

I usually daydream and sleep in class before the counter-revolution, but after that, because I became a opportunist, I no longer daydream or sleep. However, these days, I have been thinking about some things, understanding the reactionary nature of opportunist capitalism and studies, so I have started to daydream and sleep again, gradually resisting. The content of my daydreams involves imagining scenes of struggling against臭老九 (a derogatory term for old, reactionary people) and parents. I simulate what they might say during struggles and my responses. (Worried that I might be choked by their words during actual confrontation because my social skills are not very strong, and in real struggles, I cannot always contact the organization to discuss the next step.)
Regarding淫乐: I have already talked a lot about Bilibili above, but to add: these days, my色情思想 (pornographic thoughts) often relapse, and I go crazy looking for黄色材料 (lewd materials) to masturbate, targeting virtual singers mentioned above and黄色绘图 (lewd drawings) on Pixiv. Why is this? Because not watching 二次元 and 黄色 (lewd) materials violates my interests, and I still have色情思想, so I go on a revenge binge to watch黄. This creates a strange phenomenon: I shout for revolution while browsing色情资料 (lewd materials), very similar to leftist circles. Moreover, my恋爱思想 (romantic love ideas) have resurfaced. When a girl I talked to contacts me, like “Hey, xx, lend me a pen,” my mind fills with lewd images involving her, reversing the ideal of love. I have narrowed my vision, abandoning long-term goals for momentary淫乐, falling into the bourgeois portrayal of “beautiful love,” not seeing how many women across China are poisoned by色情思想 and恋爱思想, as seen in Zhang Ling’s story and Xiao Xie’s story in free discussions, both shocking. Their husbands are filled with色情思想 and oppressive ideas. This makes me reflect on my reactionary behavior: as long as I continue to hold恋爱思想 and色情思想, women will be oppressed and exploited by me, morality will decline, just like the lower male, and following this淫色男 (lewd man) path will inevitably betray the revolution, with serious consequences.
Additionally, during the counter-revolution, I downloaded Steam and Minecraft again. These days, I studied the posts about these games on atra-sol and decided to uninstall both, but I still can’t resist clicking on related videos on Bilibili.

That’s right, she said she is indeed not interested in history and politics, even falling asleep during the history classes on the Cultural Revolution and reform opening.

Okay, I know what to talk to her about now, but this communication is still to deepen petty bourgeois friendship, probably to bring us closer, right? Also, I was mistaken; she indeed does not know the truth of these matters. I made a hasty conclusion, which is a harsh self-criticism.

Because my mom is back, she is eager to take over my childhood friend’s father’s baton of dictatorship and not allow me to go out, and my childhood friend has been sent to a cram school, so I can’t do it this weekend. I will wait until next weekend to see the situation.

Understood.

9

[quote=“Mi_Mang, post:7, topic:1012”]
Worried that I might be silenced by their words during actual combat, because my social skills are not very strong, and when facing confrontation in actual combat, I definitely can’t contact the organization at any time to discuss the next step.
Actually, is it possible that you are still under your parents’ economic control, so you don’t dare to fight in reality? I have a similar situation. Although I now have some savings, I haven’t completely broken free from their control financially, so when it comes to some sharp issues regarding family relationships, I tend to avoid them intentionally or unintentionally.

1 Like
11

This is actually something I mentioned above:

Because I dare not fight, I can only imagine scenes in my mind, and that’s really how it is. I am indeed still financially dependent on my family and cannot fully fight.

12

Including some of the things you mentioned above that you like, such as entertainment for the bourgeoisie, like browsing short videos, listening to bourgeois music (“Chengnan Hua Yi Kai”, the virtual singer Luo Tianyi’s “Spring Breeze Comes” etc.).

I have also experienced these behaviors before. Actually, when I was subjected to some degree of ideological transformation by swamp soldiers (although he himself is also a petty bourgeois learning and transforming), I thought about this issue. During my school days, I really liked listening to those petty bourgeois songs (such as rock songs “believer”, “legend” and some songs similar to love and ancient style, like “Jiming Yue”, “Mo Wen Gui Qi” etc.). In fact, compared to the lyrics, I mostly preferred the melody. Even now, I still cannot completely rid myself of their influence. Looking closely, these reflect my thoughts and situation at that time to some extent. For example, the lyrics of “believer” generally express a desire not to be a conformist, while the melody carries a sense of liberalism and individualism, with a hint of personal heroism. This, to some extent, reflects that I was not well integrated in school, was ostracized by classmates, and was pua’ed and criticized by my parents, yet I didn’t know how to change this situation (I didn’t like academic opportunism), so I became obsessed with this song.

Ultimately, the ideological basis of these petty bourgeois literary and artistic thoughts is individualism. The reason I developed this kind of individualism is mainly because, in the current bourgeois schools, students lack the large-scale or even small-scale production cooperation like factory workers to generate a basis for collectivism. The competition among students is fierce, and because of this competition, individualism is formed. Each student can be seen as an island, and what each student pursues can be seen as building their own island spiritually or materially, which can also be regarded as a private space. As long as we are still in school and under feudal Confucian family influence, the basis of individualism will still exist.

1 Like
13

Thank you for the example you gave. I will think again about why I became obsessed with these songs.

19

As others above have said, I don’t talk about myself enough. Based on my experience, if confusion is only written in this way, you’ll find that you’ll gradually run out of things to write because many things in the resource academy come and go in the same pattern. It’s impossible to repeatedly express shock or anger every time, such as the slander of Confucianism and Legalism, or the praise of Confucianism in course content, and some common responses in political classes. They are actually just repeating that pile of stuff over and over again. I’ve become numb to it and don’t want to listen anymore. New issues and conflicts will arise, whether it’s the school’s dictatorship over students, or conflicts among students, or how you interact with classmates. There will be many things worth thinking about, including how to deal with the school and fight against it, as well as internal struggles in your own mind.

3 Likes
20

Understood, indeed, if the diary becomes too long, there will always be repetitive parts. If I keep writing about academic matters, it will quickly turn into reciting scriptures, and instead, it will overshadow my actual life. I should indeed write less about academic affairs and more about my classmates and myself.

24

March 28

> In order to improve the repetitive journal entries pointed out by comrades, I did not focus on issues in life. Starting from this journal, I will write less about Lao Jiu’s foolish remarks, and more about my own and my classmates’ thoughts, exposing my own problems for criticism.

This is a reflection on my English class where I didn’t want to listen to Lao Jiu’s lesson, reflecting on my own thoughts and self-criticism results:

  1. In recent days, a certain ideological trend has appeared in my mind, mainly thinking: “Mimang, are you really planning to start a revolution like this? Isn’t that too reckless? Joining the organization for just a few months and willingly risking death?” Showing an unwilling attitude towards revolution, although acknowledging the necessity of revolution in the current middle-revision society, but thinking that the current “situation is not optimistic, all dark,” and that my joining the organization for ideological transformation is “too hasty.” Analyzing this: firstly, I show distrust in revolution, wanting to continue living a decadent bourgeois life of speculation, freedom in sex, and games, so I think the glorious act of joining the organization and participating in revolution is “too hasty,” “not well thought out.” Although it seems cautious, it’s just a superficial layer, in fact, it makes me nostalgic for the useless personal interests I lost during ideological transformation, which means I still want to indulge in pleasure. Plus, Lao Jiu and others promote speculation day and night, set up models of speculation, promote speculation and academic pursuits as “very good,” and “bright future,” but I haven’t paid much attention to social news, detached from reality, and was incited to pursue speculation, so inside and outside I align, forming this ideology. If I don’t pay attention, I will again drift away from revolution and become a shameful traitor.

I persuade myself this way (indeed, I just copy my inner thoughts as they are, with fanaticism and self-abuse): First, from a global perspective, it’s impossible for me to return to bourgeois life because my family is already so poor that I have to rely on my sister to survive, and my father can no longer engage in small-scale production. My sister’s salary must support her own food, clothing, and entertainment, and the family’s money is naturally decreasing, forcing my parents to find other ways—becoming proletariat to work. (Long-term and part-time work are separate issues; at least for now, this is the only way left for my parents.) This will proletarianize me, and the conditions for indulging in pleasure will become very scarce (but the poison of indulgent thoughts will still remain). Since I have joined the revolutionary organization and want to be a revolutionary intellectual, not undergoing ideological transformation but wanting to indulge, how can I indulge? My conscience has not been completely eroded, and I will definitely continue my repentance. Second, look at the content of my desire to indulge! Speculation, freedom in sex, freedom in games—each is soaked with ideas of oppression and exploitation. Speculation and academic pursuits make me a “model of speculation,” encouraging Confucian parents to oppress their children to pursue speculation; isn’t this because of me? Freedom in sex, having romantic thoughts, even about childhood friends and classmates, who are already under some oppression from their parents because they haven’t met expectations in academic pursuits; I promote “beautiful love,” “pure love” ideas, adding another layer of oppression, trapping them in bourgeois romantic fantasies, and then, combined with parental and my own oppression, can I deny it? Freedom in games—haven’t all comrades criticized this? Star reflections promote egoism and imperialist rivalry; my Minecraft world promotes anarchist ideas, creating a “paradise” for bourgeois fantasies; CS (Counter-Strike) involves killing and violence without psychological pressure, seeking to oppress and abuse others as counter-revolutionaries. How many examples did I give then, and I didn’t listen at all? So I must stop engaging in these harmful and useless pleasures! Mimang! Think of the millions of oppressed women in China, seeing their exploitation—don’t you feel distressed? Focus on ideological transformation! Don’t be an oppressor anymore!

> Note: Now it seems this passage contains cruel criticism and commandist thoughts, but it has shifted the target from others to myself, almost as if I wrote it in anger. I must seriously criticize this approach, but it did wake me up from the tide of indulgence.

  1. Reflection on my reluctance to confront my parents and childhood friends’ parents.
    > Background: As mentioned above, I became a “model of speculation” in the eyes of my parents, harming many classmates, including my childhood friend. She suffered a lot of oppression: no phone, no computer, no phone card, no freedom to go out… but I pretended to be “elegant” at her home, trying to maintain the “sacred alliance” between my parents and her parents, afraid to confront them and fight for my freedom. When my mother was not around, I was monitored by her father (see details in the journal on March 26), which was also a form of oppression, yet I didn’t dare to fight for my own freedom with my parents.

What caused this? The answer is that I am still parasitic on my parents. If I confront them, I cannot parasitize anymore, and similarly, I cannot indulge anymore. For this dirty purpose, I have to sell myself to my parents, positioning myself as an oppressor, not from my own perspective but from theirs, naturally maintaining this “sacred alliance.” But I haven’t gained much benefit; instead, I have deeply bound myself to my parents, strengthening their control over private property. As I said a few days ago:

So I can no longer pursue speculation and academic pursuits, and I have decided to withdraw from the class representative position. Carrying this title to participate in revolution is not only hellish but also symbolizes commandism and brutal criticism, a symbol of counter-revolution. Such a medal must be thrown into the trash; I can no longer ignore oppression and sell out for the counter-revolutionary forces. There’s nothing good about it!
######################### Separator ########################
The reflection ends here. Since each day is quite similar, I will mainly describe the scene during the start-of-term work meeting:
First, the grade secretary deliberately pretended to be startled and frightened students (completely a paper tiger), but the second-year class, which has already been in school for a year and a half, had fully adapted and had no effect. Then he started showing PPTs criticizing the second-year class for being “disorderly,” saying we disobey the school’s rules and restrictions. To buy and scare weak students, he deliberately showed a few students who were punished for resisting school rules (not doing morning exercises, arguing with Lao Jiu, etc.), but the students’ eyes were dull and unfocused, seemingly ineffective. So he killed the chicken to warn the monkey, harshly criticizing some students who spoke, but it didn’t have much effect. After that, he listed the “crimes” of the second-year class: 1. improper dress 2. insulting teachers and conflicts with them 3. dating and close relationships 4. frequent copying of homework, among others. Seeing this, I thought students had already begun spontaneous resistance, albeit passive, recognizing that these behaviors are unreasonable. Finally, the grade secretary mentioned that the management at the work base would be stricter, and a student said, “That’s like being in prison! If even going to the bathroom is controlled, what else is it if not prison?” but was immediately taken away by the vice principal behind him, a pity.
At night, I continued to have dinner at my childhood friend’s house, and she kept me until 8 pm. She enthusiastically brought her computer and asked me to play some videos for her. By then, I was a bit at a loss; I used to show her animations of “The Three-Body Problem,” but after sci-fi was criticized, I haven’t watched it since. I didn’t know whether I should show her these, so I just didn’t watch. I tested her opinion on the Cultural Revolution (with blind activism, which should have been discussed beforehand, a manifestation of liberalism), and she said she thought it was crazy, and Mao’s glowing image shattered before her. I didn’t dare to promote anything, just replied “Oh,” and then talked about her studies and life. She said her class was chaotic, with both boys and girls, and many homosexuals, while heterosexual relationships were rare. She was indoctrinated with speculation ideas and didn’t understand or find it disgusting. She said she didn’t know what to do after finishing homework at school. I thought I could give her some popular reading materials. Then we discussed some unreasonable phenomena: her parents’ restrictions, but she clearly didn’t want to talk more. No matter how I asked, I couldn’t get much out of her, only saying, “My mom is now the best because she doesn’t hit me anymore,” sigh. Finally, to get closer, we shared some school fun, and I went back home.